As a former dancer and long-time fitness enthusiast, I love finding new workouts to try, especially those in the dance/yoga/Pilates family. I consider myself relatively in shape, so when I discovered barre classes, I figured that given my overall good health and dance background, they’d be a walk in the park.
I was wrong.
I’ve just completed my intro month at Pure Barre and as a workout, it’s no joke. Over the course of a month I’ve seen myself get stronger and become increasingly hooked on the workout, to the point that I’m now trying to create a budgeting strategy that will allow me to continue my addiction… I mean, hobby. Below is my inner monologue from some of my first Pure Barre classes. Other barre fanatics will definitely relate.
- Where do I sit?
- Everyone here has friends with them. Am I the class loner?
- These girls’ outfits look so put together. I don’t own enough Lululemon to incorporate Pure Barre into my lifestyle.
- I definitely should’ve worn longer leggings. This capri-yoga pants/sock combo has me looking like someone’s mom at a step aerobics class.
- I shouldn’t have gotten here so early. I can only fake-stretch for five minutes tops.
- Aaaand we’re jumping right into this warm-up.
- Is the instructor’s microphone really necessary? There’s like, 15 people here.
- Opposite elbow to opposite knee? What am I, a gymnast?
- (Looking around room) Is everyone else in here a gymnast?
- Holy abs.
- I’m already breaking a sweat.
- I’m the only one already breaking a sweat.
- This is the longest Katy Perry remix in the world.
- What if I die here? I guess I did sign the liability waiver…
- Pffft, three pound weights — this is child’s play.
- These moves seem simple enough…
- …okay, now these weights are getting heavy.
- I don’t think the girl in front of me even needs weights with that huge rock on her finger.
- I think my triceps may fall off.
- Finally done — time to stretch!
- Okay, that was the shortest stretch EVER.
- Why am I the sweatiest person in class? Do these other girls feel the same pain that I do?
- What is this “tuck” you speak of.
- Oh, pelvic thrust. Just say that!
- I guess barre-goers feel better about spending $25+ on a class “tucking” rather than ”thrusting.”
- The shaking begins.
- “You’re stronger than this exercise!” AM I, THOUGH?
- Is there an earthquake in here because my legs are off the Richter scale! Just kidding. There’s no joking in barre.
- Now for the “seat” work — what a weird name. Are we really playing Nicki Minaj in class but we aren’t allowed to say the word “butt?”
- Can we get some more specific instructions in here? “It’s circle, and circle” YEAH I GET THAT PART.
- Ok, the instructor just came over and asked my name, but didn’t correct me or tell me my form is good. Am I in trouble?
- I feel this move on the wrong side.
- Wait, if I’m working the wrong side, but doing both sides, it’s ok… right?
- There is one guy in this class, and he has a nicer ass than everyone.
- Crap, I think he can tell I’m looking at his ass.
- More tucking?!
- There’s no way this looks cute.
- How is that girl’s leg reaching her face?
- Time to speed things up, aka abs on crack.
- Time to come to terms with the fact that I just paid $25 to raise my leg one inch for an hour.
- I can lift my leg one inch at work, and they pay me.
- This class has so many abs sections. Barre: 40% abs, 20% barre, 10% luck, 20% skill, 10% Beyonce remixes.
- I thought the whole idea of barre was no crunches.
- The instructor said my form is good! I’ve got this move.
- Ok, this move…. not so much.
Weird Pelvic-Thrusting Section With The Lights Off
- Pelvic thrusts to end class, because what else would we do?
- At least they have the lights off for this part so nobody can see how weird I look.
- Actually, I can’t decide if having the lights off makes it weirder, or less weird.
- Did I just make eye contact with someone? Awkward…
- I did it! #beastmode
- What am I making for dinner after this?
- That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
- I’ll be back tomorrow.