What Taking A Barre Class Is Really Like

As a former dancer and long-time fitness enthusiast, I love finding new workouts to try, especially those in the dance/yoga/Pilates family. I consider myself relatively in shape, so when I discovered barre classes, I figured that given my overall good health and dance background, they’d be a walk in the park.

I was wrong.

I’ve just completed my intro month at Pure Barre and as a workout, it’s no joke. Over the course of a month I’ve seen myself get stronger and become increasingly hooked on the workout, to the point that I’m now trying to create a budgeting strategy that will allow me to continue my addiction… I mean, hobby. Below is my inner monologue from some of my first Pure Barre classes. Other barre fanatics will definitely relate.

Pre-Class

• Where do I sit?
• Everyone here has friends with them. Am I the class loner?
• These girls’ outfits look so put together. I don’t own enough Lululemon to incorporate Pure Barre into my lifestyle.
• I definitely should’ve worn longer leggings. This capri-yoga pants/sock combo has me looking like someone’s mom at a step aerobics class.
• I shouldn’t have gotten here so early. I can only fake-stretch for five minutes tops.

Warm Up

• Aaaand we’re jumping right into this warm-up.
• Is the instructor’s microphone really necessary? There’s like, 15 people here.
• Opposite elbow to opposite knee? What am I, a gymnast?
• (Looking around room) Is everyone else in here a gymnast?
• Holy abs.
• I’m already breaking a sweat.
• I’m the only one already breaking a sweat.
• This is the longest Katy Perry remix in the world.
• What if I die here? I guess I did sign the liability waiver…

Arms

• Pffft, three pound weights — this is child’s play.
• These moves seem simple enough…
• …okay, now these weights are getting heavy.
• I don’t think the girl in front of me even needs weights with that huge rock on her finger.
• I think my triceps may fall off.
• Finally done — time to stretch!
• Okay, that was the shortest stretch EVER.

Legs

• Why am I the sweatiest person in class? Do these other girls feel the same pain that I do?
• What is this “tuck” you speak of.
• Oh, pelvic thrust. Just say that!
• I guess barre-goers feel better about spending $25+ on a class “tucking” rather than ”thrusting.”
• The shaking begins.
• “You’re stronger than this exercise!” AM I, THOUGH?
• Is there an earthquake in here because my legs are off the Richter scale! Just kidding. There’s no joking in barre.

Glutes

• Now for the “seat” work — what a weird name. Are we really playing Nicki Minaj in class but we aren’t allowed to say the word “butt?”
• Can we get some more specific instructions in here? “It’s circle, and circle” YEAH I GET THAT PART.
• Ok, the instructor just came over and asked my name, but didn’t correct me or tell me my form is good. Am I in trouble?
• I feel this move on the wrong side.
• Wait, if I’m working the wrong side, but doing both sides, it’s ok… right?
• There is one guy in this class, and he has a nicer ass than everyone.
• Crap, I think he can tell I’m looking at his ass.

Against-The-Wall Abs

• More tucking?!
• There’s no way this looks cute.
• How is that girl’s leg reaching her face?
• Time to speed things up, aka abs on crack.
• Time to come to terms with the fact that I just paid $25 to raise my leg one inch for an hour.
• I can lift my leg one inch at work, and they pay me.

Actual Abs

• This class has so many abs sections. Barre: 40% abs, 20% barre, 10% luck, 20% skill, 10% Beyonce remixes.
• I thought the whole idea of barre was no crunches.
• The instructor said my form is good! I’ve got this move.
• Ok, this move…. not so much.

Weird Pelvic-Thrusting Section With The Lights Off

• Pelvic thrusts to end class, because what else would we do?
• At least they have the lights off for this part so nobody can see how weird I look.
• Actually, I can’t decide if having the lights off makes it weirder, or less weird.
• Did I just make eye contact with someone? Awkward…

Stretching

• I did it! #beastmode
• What am I making for dinner after this?
• That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
• I’ll be back tomorrow.