1. I’m going to know before you know. I’m going to come first with the stuff that matters: her successes, struggles, joys, bad moods, qualms with you. This is not to say you won’t come first one day, just that you shouldn’t take it personally that she’s discussed her personal crisis with me before you get a text about it. (Down the line, you’ll probably look back and realize you prefer it this way.)
2. She and I are already in a groove. We communicate entire thoughts with emojis, know what the other one is thinking from a glance, know when and how to intervene in a personal crisis, etc. So when we start hilariously cracking up over something you seem to be painfully on the outside of, just let us have that moment.
3. I am the only person she knows she has to respond to immediately (with the exception of maybe her mom). So if she takes out her phone to reply to a text in the middle of a date, first thing in the morning, while you’re watching a movie, she’s talking to me. It’s probably not about you, so don’t take it personally, but she just knows she has to respond or I’ll think she’s dead.
4. Girls’ nights together are really important. Consider this your free time to go do whatever it is you want to do on your own. Let us have our face masks and wine and cheesy rom-coms.
5. She might forgive you when you’re rude to her, but I won’t. Ever.
6. I will, however, forgive you if you actually change your ways. But I will be watching.
7. She and I sleep in the same bed sometimes. No, we will not invite you in with us. No, this is not a threesome.
8. … But I have probably seen parts of her body more than you have. (And if you do not think she is completely beautiful any which way, you are out. of. your. mind.)
9. Keep me in your good graces, and I might just help you pick out her best birthday and/or Christmas present ever.
10. Her parents consider me a member of the family. So, if they get to that point with you, hi, new sibling! (And I will terrorize you like only a sibling knows how.)
11. She has told me she loves you before she tells you. She has agonized over it. She has tried to talk herself out of it, because love is scary. But if I like you, and if I think you’re good for her, I will talk her back into it.
12. I will not, however, tell you that she loves you. I am the keeper of all of her secrets.
13. Please don’t try to set me up with one of your boys to get me out of the picture. I’ll just cling onto her tighter.
14. We do want our alone time away from each other, but we also probably want to be able to hang out all together. So all of that to say: if you perceivably have a problem with me… she’s gonna have a problem with you.
15. Please come to me if/when you’re picking out the ring. I know. You don’t. I have seen her secret Pinterest board she won’t even admit to having. You haven’t. Save all of us the trouble.
16. I will always love her more. I do not care how much you claim to love her, I promise I love her more. I was there before you were, I’ll be there after you go, I’ll be next to her if she decides to keep you around for the long haul. You don’t just get into a relationship with a girl… you get the whole package. [Grinch smile.]