1. You are the only person who knows my computer, phone, email, and social media passwords, and should I die, I need somebody to wipe my history and the Tweets I definitely don’t want my parents and society remembering me by.
2. You have the most dirt on me out of anyone I know, and though I trust you explicitly with all of my deepest secrets, if we were to ever crash and burn, you could easily sell all of that information and ruin my life.
3. You still have my favorite shoes/sweater/dress and I would really like to get those back within the next six years.
4. I would have to start seeing an actual therapist.
5. You know what my body looks like, and could probably ask a forensic artist to render a drawing more humiliating than a released-on-the-internet sext. (Because at least the latter was posed, had good lighting and possibly a few choice filters. You would be uncompromising.)
6. I’d have no one to text my most offensive thoughts to as a buffer so that I didn’t actually say them in the real world.
7. Training someone else to vet my romantic interests would take too much time, and you already know what my type is and what my deal breakers are.
8. I’d need to ask other people to take photos of me for my Instagram, and I probably couldn’t creative direct them with the long shot and angles.
9. I’d have to find another last ditch, “well, if we’re not married by the time we’re 45…” pact.
10. No one else understands my half-sentences, and I really can’t be bothered to explain what I mean by [star emoji] + [corn on the cob emoji] + [dolphin emoji] + [bike emoji].
11. All of my best photos involve both you and me, because you actually make me laugh while we’re taking it.
12. Who else am I going to go halvsies on my savory brunch order and your sweet brunch order with? Without you, I’d only be able to pick ONE.
13. There’s a whole arsenal of inside jokes that would just go totally, utterly, completely wasted.
14. I’d have no one to go with to opening showings of really cheesy movies that are totally not our demographic but we’re going to anyway in the premise of “I’m only going to High School Musical: Senior Year because you want to go.”
15. No one else will understand why I need to text them THE SECOND something happens in a celebrity’s life neither of us know personally, but somehow this baby/engagement/shirtless photo directly affects my life and you do not judge me for it.
16. There’s no one else whose apartment and bed I can escape to when my roommate is being totally heinous, and I would really rather pay you back in coffee the next morning than book a hotel.
17. I’d still want to use photos of us on every #tbt, and I would not be able to survive a weekly heartache like that.
18. You are the only person who is unflinchingly honest about how those jeans make my butt look.
19. I don’t trust anyone else to help me craft my texts to my crushes — or to dissect screencaps of the discussion, for that matter.
20. Who else is going to call me with a made-up emergency to get out of awkward dinners, dates, and meetings? I need that lifeline forever.
21. I feel exponentially less guilty when we blow off exercise classes together. Without you, I’m just plain old lazy.
22. My mom would never remember that we’re not friends anymore, and every time she’d tell me to tell you hi, my heart would crumble a little.
23. Because then I’d have to be friends with other people and ugh, we’ve already agreed that people are the worst on multiple occasions. Let’s never subject each other to that, be my best friend for like, ever.