1. You have heard somebody fake-whisper “Oh my God, Becky, look at her butt…” in your presence.
2. And still, you have yet to be “one of those rap guys’ girlfriends.”
3. Your life is one eternal, never-ending Odyssey-like quest in search of the one pair of pants that fit perfectly, no tailoring required.
3a. And if (when? Dear God, you hope it’s when) you find them, you go broke buying as many pairs in as many washes as you possibly can.
3b. How much money have you spent at the dry-cleaners getting your pants reinforced at all the places that rub and/or rip? All. You have spent all your money there.
4. You own more belts than you can count.
5. Boyfriend jeans either fit just like normal pants to you, or you’re suddenly left with enough excess fabric to qualify as clown pants.
6. You own about 3 pairs of these bike shorts, and consider them your clutch play when it comes to combating suddenly-too-short dresses.
7. You’ll never be one of those people who can just look at a piece of clothing and know it’s going to fit. Ever. (If a dress isn’t A-line, there’s a 75% chance it will either be too baggy on your torso or too tight on your butt and thighs.)
8. Getting honked at when you’re just trying to go for a run. Yoga pants and workout leggings do magical things to the most unremarkable of behinds; imagine what happens when you’ve already got a butt.
9. Thigh gap is laughable. And a pipe dream. How Beyoncé manages it is beyond you.
10. You’re forever grateful that the Oxford dictionary acknowledges “bootylicious” as a word.
11. The constant debate over what does and doesn’t qualify as a “big butt.”
12. Frankly, you’re a little miffed Jen Selter thought of that career-making move first.
13. Skinny-arm pose? Couple that with the strategic pose wherein you skew your waist and stick your butt out so you truly become “little in the middle but you got much back,” and you’re good.
14. Cat-callers feel like they get a 2-for-1 deal with you and your butt, because they hate to see you go, but they love to watch you leave.
15. Friends love smacking it, and cite that you have all that extra padding to cushion the blow. (No, actually, there’s nerve endings back there, and that hurts.)
16. Cats, dogs, and significant others love napping on it.
17. You have had competitions with your family members to see who has the biggest butt, who can actually sit a cup on that ass, etc. (And if you lost, you felt strangely put out.)
18. Getting through a movie theater aisle when you have to go to the bathroom is a saga. Like, y’all, I’m really, really sorry my butt is in your face, but(t) I really, really need to pee.
19. Some days, leggings are the only thing that fit — but you wash them one too many times, and suddenly there’s a swath of very see-through fabric across your rear end.
23. You’ve debated dressing up as a Kardashian for Halloween; your phone autocompletes the term “Kardashian,” and you’ve begun to identify with… yup. You guessed it.
24. Your personal theme song is one of the following little ditties: Dance (A$$) Remix by Big Sean feat. Nicki Minaj; Miss New Booty by Bubba Sparxx; Back That Ass Up by Juvenile; the aforementioned Bootylicious; Poison by Bell Biv DeVoe; and Work by Iggy Azalea, because that music video features some courageous dancing efforts on the part of one Miss Azalea. Respect.
25. You’re still not all that sure if being “thick” is a compliment or a complisult.
26. Knowing that with great power comes great responsibility, and you have to do your squats. Keeping it tight is just as difficult a process as getting it right is.
27. And you’re still on the quest for triple-knit, extra-thick pants that hold in every ounce of jiggle at a reasonable price. (You’re welcome.)