1. When will you get the picture? You’re the past, I’m the future. Get away, it’s my time to shine.
Barring the fact that this song was basically How To Confront A Love Triangle 101 for anyone and everyone growing up in the late 90s, the sentiment is perfect for any sort of conflict. Catty cubicle-mate vying for the same promotion as you? The job is mine. Mean old lady eyeing the last jar of crunchy almond butter at Trader Joe’s? That spread is mine. See, now you do get the picture.
2. Who do you think you are? I said, who — some kind of superstar?
Perfect for whenever anyone starts getting a little too big for their britches. Swinging it, shaking it, moving it, and making it is Spice Force 5 Slang™ for reminding them hoity-toity types to prove their worth. You can’t be a superstar without putting in the work*.
*Does not apply to the Kardashians, bless their hearts.
3. I know you like to think your shit don’t stink, but lean a little bit closer and see that roses really smell like oooh-ooh-ooh.
Good for use towards people who have rebuffed you romantically, people who still think they’re the most popular kids at the 10 year reunion, and also maybe a baby who doesn’t realize the nasal sacrifice that is changing a diaper.
4. If your boyfriend says he got beef, well, I’m a vegetarian and I ain’t fucking scared of him.
Very specific parameters, yes, but if you don’t eat meat and you’ve got issue with somebody’s main squeeze? BOY, ARE YOU IN LUCK.
5. Someday, I’ll be living in a big ol’ city, and all you’re ever gonna be is mean.
If you think about it, this little ditty has a verrryyy similar message to…
6. Excuse me, was you sayin’ something? Uh-uh, you can’t tell me nothing.
7. Read a book, you illiterate son of a bitch, and pick up your vocab.
The favored comeback of grammar nazis, frustrated editors, and bookworms the world over, best said while giving the one-eyebrow side-eye from behind a well-loved piece of literature of your very own.
8. You’re an idiot, babe. It’s a wonder that you still know how to breathe.
When a Your Mom joke just doesn’t cut it, there’s always Robert Alan Zimmerman’s ultimate complisult. “I know it’s a lot for you to manage, so congratulations on remembering how to do a basic human function!”
9. Talking like a queen when you looking like a lab rat.
I refuse to take sides in the war of Nicki vs. Lil Kim — because let’s face it, even though Kim is pregnant, she could still take me down and out – but if anyone is talking a lot bigger than they should be, just call them a tortured, diseased, for-science rodent. I guarantee they’ve never heard that before.
10. If I never see your face again, I don’t mind.
… Because I came, I saw, I conquered, I got what I wanted from you, and if I wanted it, I could do it again — but until then, you’re otherwise useless to me. This is all about making somebody feel thissmall in 10 words or less.
11. It’s too late and I can’t wait for you to be gone.
Hey, Cinderella? Looks like it’s midnight and you’re all out of shoes. When someone has overstayed their welcome, be sure they know it. Appropriate situations for this insult include but are not limited to: that one last table that will not leave at a restaurant’s closing time; the one-night-stand you really didn’t want to wake up next to; and anyone who chronically shows up about a week late and a thousand bucks short.
12. I don’t know why I liked you so much.
Easily the most PC term in this entire song, but insulting yourself for giving someone the benefit of the doubt is the ultimate insult back at them. I’m rubber, you’re glue; anything I say to disparage myself says a lot more about you than it does about me. (The rhyme scheme needs work, but you get the point.)
13. The bridge has been burned, now it’s your turn to cry.
What person didn’t dream about vindictively creating a fake AIM screen name and anonymously pinging this to an ex who wronged them? Sure, “cry me a river” is a pretty common insult as it stands, but telling somebody the damage’s been done so you guess you’ll be leaving is a much more eloquent way of saying that you can’t even be bothered to revel in the destruction you caused. That is some revenge on ice.
14. You’re a spineless, pale, pathetic lot, and you haven’t got a clue.
Aside from the fact that one of the best songs in Disney’s recent repertoire has some pretty misogynistic undertones — but it’s okay! Shang sees the light of day by the end of the movie! — this song is great for trying to rally someone with reverse psychology in that they’re not up to snuff and they’re lucky you deign to help them achieve their full potential. Wait. Mulan fell for this dude?
15. Take your pick:
A. You’re a mom’n’pop, I’m a corporation; I’m a press conference, you’re a conversation.
B. See right through you like you’re bathing in Windex.
C. Why you all up in my George Foreman?