23 Signs Your Cat Has A Human For A Pet (And Not The Other Way Around)

You say "couch," they say "gigantic, all-purpose scratching post slash bed."

Updated 11 years ago, January 16, 2014

I love my cat. I really, genuinely do. She’s sweet when she wants to be, she’s always down to curl up next to me in her own strange form of cuddling, and she makes long days when I’m working from home seem less lonely. Still, she can be a grade-A terror when she so chooses. I wouldn’t trade her for the world, because I knew that in adopting her as a kitten, it meant accepting whatever personality she’d eventually grow into. But still, sometimes I feel like she’s really just trying to mess with me. Sometimes, I feel like she has an indoor-outdoor human for a pet. Sometimes, I am a prisoner in my own home.

1. You’ve long since abandoned the need for any alarm clock, because they will yowl and wake you up when they want to be fed at 5 am every. single. day.

2. Their favorite spot in any part of your house is the doorway. Close a door, and they will scratch incessantly at the obstructing wood until you open it. They will not, however, enter the room, but will stare up at you questioningly. All they wanted to do was sit right in the doorway.

3. They will spend endless hours amusing him or herself with a paper bag or the box in which something was delivered. The actual toys you purchased do not hold their attention even for a second.

4. If you’re lying down and reading a book or looking at your phone, they demand to be able to sit in that small space between your eyes and whatever it is you’re looking at.

5. The new brand of cat food you’ve gotten is unacceptable to their discerning tastes and they will flat out refuse to eat it.

6. That one flavor of their preferred brand is also inadequate. (This is the flavor you’re always stuck buying, because it is the only flavor in stock at the pet store.)

7. You swear you’ve looked over only to see them staring you down as if trying to figure out what is the most vulnerable part on your body so as to most effectively take you down.

8. If you live in an apartment, they stare longingly out of the window, thinking, “One day. One day, I will be free.”

9. They place themselves between your eye line and the television when you’re trying to watch a show or a game you’re really invested in. They will not move for love or cat nip.

10. You’ve gone through more headphones or hair ties than you care to admit because your cat decides such items are the enemy and must die.

11. “Climbing tree? Silly human, why would you waste your money on that when I have these amazing curtains?”

12. They jump all over the counter when you’re trying to get their food in their bowl, thus rendering it impossible to not get at least half the can on the counter on varying spots of the floor.

13. Whenever you do something deplorably embarrassing, they are always glaring at you because they know you’re an idiot but can’t stop you from being said idiot.

14. The never ending war of the litter box: a saga of blood, sweat, toil, and tears.

15. They hiss at random people you bring home to sleep with because they have a better gauge of character than you do.

16. Gravity is their most fascinating experiment and greatest nemesis, and they will push any manner of objects off any surface if only to finally best science.

17. They think their collar is always woefully beneath them, and have managed to Houdini themselves out of it on numerous occasions.

18. You say “couch,” they say “gigantic, all-purpose scratching post slash bed.”

19. You are only allowed to pet them as long as they allow. Half a second too long, and your arms are subject to their furry fury.

20. You’ve googled “How many people are killed by cats annually?” Not because you’re living in fear, but just. You know. To be on the safe side.

21. They knead their claws into your skin as a sign of affection. Love hurts, after all.

22. You know deep down that you could never get a dog, because your cat’s indifference keeps you humble.

23. Their facial expression usually indicate that they feel you are a lost hope for the sake of all people everywhere, but they can’t change you, so they might as well nap.