1. Craft playlists for the following moods:
- That bastard never really loved you at all!
- I know you’re upset about this person but remember when you went through the last breakup you thought would kill you? Here are songs from then to remind you that you’ll be fine eventually.
- Congratulations, you are queen of the goddamned world. Here’s some Bey to pump you up.
- I understand that you need the holy trifecta of sweatpants, Seamless and alcohol and so I offer you this playlist until you can actually acquire those things.
- We’re going out and inhibitions have been thrown to the wind, let’s jam to Kanye*.
*A good girlfriend will not point out that the last time you actually went out was years ago, because to do so would be implying your age and/or general laziness and a good girlfriend does not acknowledge such accusations.
2. Believe in the overwhelming, reigning glory of girl power and the fact that together, you can
take on the world take over the world.
3. Possess enough tact to tell you when: your foundation is the wrong color; you’re dating someone entirely, completely, tragically wrong for you; your butt actually does not look great in those pants; you have something stuck between your teeth; and are making a drunken fool of yourself with gentle loving girlfriend kindness.
4. Have a first aid kit including but not limited to: Ben & Jerry’s in your favorite flavor; takeout on speed-dial in her phone; at least three different sappy love stories on DVD; a killer recipe for pancakes, cupcakes, and a wine marinade for steak, a bottle of wine; a six-pack of beer (if all else fails), that one dress you wanted to buy but she bought it first so now you just want to borrow it; advice; consolation; threats to maim a person who has wronged you; the voice of reason (now bottled and sold at quality retailers near you!); waterproof mascara; baby wipes for your crappy mascara; a straight iron and a hair dryer; and chocolate. Or Nutella. Or both. Or a membership to the Godiva members’ rewards club. Or all three. Yeah, all three.
5. Have a 6th sense regarding when to bust out said first aid kit and which situations call for which supplies and when.
6. Respect the sanctity of the people you date. They are off limits. I don’t care what the Spice Force 5 said; “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends” was a recipe for disaster, and any friend who does this is no friend at all.
7. Respect the expiration date on your claim to someone. If she liked someone but never made a move, it is within your boundaries to flirt with them but only after a certain cooling off period has passed. It is her right to do the same with all of your unrequited crushes. But you just have to talk to each other before pursuing the object of affection.
8. Know how to throw a proper party. There is a fine line between the kind of party you’d like to throw, and the kind of party she’d actually like to have thrown for her. If your girlfriend does not want penis-shaped earrings at her bachelorette, please don’t force them on her. Don’t force the stripper on her if she doesn’t want one, either. Take the lap dances for yourself. But if she does want you to gift her a set of fuzzy, pink handcuffs? You tell nobody, but you do it.
9. Stop any and all friends from becoming — for lack of a better term — demon monsters. Any good, self-respecting girlfriend will smack a bridezilla back to her senses, barring she had any to begin with.
10. Withhold judgment about the person you start dating, and unless she has any concrete proof of their title as Lord of the Douche, she will not play devil’s advocate to break you two up. If you couldn’t find the proof when you Google searched their name, she isn’t allowed to hire a private detective and weed up every detail of their possibly sordid past. If they are not a convicted serial killer or Charlie Sheen, she will be supportive to the best of her ability until she absolutely has to intervene if you become endangered/they are cheating/insert plot from cliche romance movie here. She will not pit herself against them, and she will not make you choose.
11. Refrain from interjecting herself into your relationship. She must remember that she is not the one dating your significant other. She does not have to hang out with you all the time, and you do not have to hang out with her and the objet of her affection, either. Nor is it her responsibility to wean you from your “type” and break the two of you up, however wrong this person may be for you in the long run. Sometimes, you just have to be dumb enough to learn the lesson yourself. She is, however, allowed to question your judgment and react accordingly towards you. She is your friend, the only relationship she is allowed to alter is the one between the two of you.
12. Take your phone away from you before you hit that point of just-drunk-enough to think it’s a good idea to text every last person you know.
13. Be understanding when you are: busy; tired; a few crayons short of a coloring box; about to go postal on your significant other/boss/the writers of Grey’s Anatomy; PMSing; up to your elbows in diapers; having a nervous breakdown because you never learned how to mash potatoes and yours have turned out all dry and grainy; exhausted; experiencing road rage; in desperate need of retail therapy; and/or just asking, in so many words, for a hug.
14. Try to work out your differences like rational human beings. Friendship is a relationship, and like every relationship, sometimes you go through tough times. Maybe full-blown couple’s therapy is what it takes, maybe you need to scream at each other a little before you let it all out and sob your way back to square one, maybe another girlfriend needs to stage an intervention. She will hopefully say you are worth salvaging your relationship, and will wholeheartedly do what it takes on her end so long as you do the same on yours. If you do not hold your weight, however, she is not obligated to pull her own weight, since it’s only fair that both people fight for each other. If nothing is fixable, you are not allowed to switch to the “frenemies” category because really, just honor what you did have, and then grow up and move on. But that is the worst-case scenario. Your friendship deserves that you at least try to save it.
15. Always keep this in mind: at the end of the day, no matter how awful you are with your words and no matter how you may seem like you take things for granted, what matters is the fact that you can call her your friend, and for that, you are entirely grateful.