1. Harry Potter
Harry would mean well in bed, he really would, but being the adventurous little scamp he is, chances are good he’d also try to get really ambitious and wild without thinking things through. That move you saw in a porn flick? Harry would try it in the heat of the moment and fail to factor in the physicality that such moves demand, leaving you both sore, strained, and resembling overextended human paperclips. Still, starved for attention as a long-suffering orphan, he would try his best to be tender and sweet with you, you know, when he’s not attempting the double bare-backed horned dragon.
2. Ron Weasley
As the youngest of six Weasley boys, Ron has something to prove. He’s had to deal with the bragging and boastings of older brothers for as long as he can remember, and damn it if he’s not going to upstage them all by being the best anyone’s ever had. Still though, all of those kernels of knowledge the other Weasley boys have passed down are bound to mess with his head, and as such, he’ll get caught in a dangerous venn diagram of using all of that advice and overcompensating to beat his brothers, and really, it’s not that he didn’t enjoy sleeping with you, but he couldn’t get out of his own head enough to do the job right.
3. Draco Malfoy
Malfoy probably wouldn’t be the absolute worst sex of your life, but he wouldn’t be the best either. You’d walk away feeling slightly scuzzy and unclean. He definitely is the kind of guy to think it’s clever to push your head down toward his crotch as a not-so-subtle nudge towards a blow job, and probably wouldn’t really feel all that badly if he finished before you did.
4. Fred and/or George Weasley
Sleeping with one (or both) of the lovable Weasley twins could go any number of ways because these two probably have the entire concept of friends-with-benefits down. If you want an easy, no-strings, and no-frills kind of deal, they’re the ones you call. If you’re the kind of person who might laugh a little during sex—come on, the noises and the faces are pretty funny sometimes—they’re the ones you call. If you’re curious about threesomes, they’re the ones you call. Because, I mean, come on. They’d totally do it.
5. Sirius Black
Sirius always had that brooding, sinewy look about him, sort of like Adam Levine if the boy were to go on a juice cleanse for two weeks. And when he cleans up with the long hair and the velvet jacket, he’s a total rock star. With Sirius, you’d probably get some really tortured, really dirty sex where you know he’s just trying to feel something and bang the pain away. I mean, he spent 12 years in a prison for a crime he didn’t commit. I think he’s allowed to be a little emotionally distant in bed.
6. Percy Weasley
He’s an arrogant, power-hungry pompous git, but Percy would also be the kind of guy who would be hell-bent on doing a decent job. He’d read the Kama Sutra before diving in, and adamantly demand to follow the instructions step-by-step. You’d also feel as if this was a routine check-up with your gynecologist rather than a session of coitus, but he would probably insist that you achieve orgasm, so hey, points for being thorough.
Bangability: 4/10 because at least the poor guy tried.
What good is sleeping with a guy if you feel afraid to say his name while you’re having sex with him? You might be able to call him up if you’re into S&M and he’s the resident neighborhood dominatrix, but beyond that, he’s the Craigslist Killer waiting to happen. Not even the strongest self-loathing could make this seem like a good idea.
8. Severus Snape
Though it is admirable that Snape has been in love with Lily Evans for years, you kind of have to wonder when he’s going to move on, or if he’s even slept with any other woman at all. That kind of unrequited love, though terribly sweet, borders on the downright terrifying. He would be the kind of stage 5 clinger Wedding Crashers warned you about. He would most definitely cry in bed. That is a lot of baggage for one orgasm.
9. Neville Longbottom
Though sweet, sweet Matthew Lewis aged like the finest of wines, you know well-meaning, bumbling Neville himself would constantly be asking if this feels right, if you’re okay, what you’re thinking, and if this is good for you, too. Neville is also most likely a virgin. Be gentle with his heart and his ego.
10. Lucius Malfoy
Good for your weirdest 50 Shades of Grey hot hate sex sugar daddy nightmare fantasies.
11. Bill Weasley
Between the curse breaking for Gringotts (works in finance, check), the long hair and the earring (a certain devil-may-care hipster aesthetic, check), and the Werewolf scratches (ahwoo! to you, too, buddy), Bill was—there was no other word for it—hot. He’s also into monogamy, seeing as he marries Fleur, and between his heightened sense of animal urges and being the first (and therefore, best) of six brothers, you just get a sense that he knows what he’s doing.
12. Dean Thomas
Dean always seemed chill, even if he was Harry’s unsuspecting rival in the matters of Ginny Weasley’s heart. Plus, he’s proven that he knows how to rough it, and wouldn’t be so averse to really putting in the work to please you. That, and if he can get along with a goblin, you know he can handle meeting your parents.*
(*Love you, mom.)
13. Seamus Finnegan
Seamus would bring up his mother somehow. (Seriously, the boy is always talking about his mother.) He wouldn’t mean to, but it would happen—or worse yet, she’d send an owl right in the middle of your sheet session and ruin the entire vibe. As a deeply committed mama’s boy, however, he would respect you and your needs. Just, you know. Work on the boundaries a little.
I mean, I guess if you like being on top all of the time, and have a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina.
15. Viktor Krum
CAN WE TALK?! As an international Quidditch star, chances are really good that this guy has had some practice. In trying to forget about Herm-own-ninny, he’s probably hooked up with his share of witches, and is probably as agile in bed as he is on a broomstick. Rest assured that he will find your snitch. But nobody will believe you spent the night with him unless you don’t take an Instagram video of him sleeping soundly afterwards. Pics or it didn’t happen, honey.