Ketchup

You’re a kid at heart. You like things simple and sweet, like the good old days. New things make you uncomfortable, and your best method of coping is to smother such unfamiliar experiences in warm familiarity. Ketchup is your security blanket. You have also likely had the same best friend for your whole life.

Mustard

You enjoy being salty. You get a kick out of packing an unconventional punch to another person’s sensibilities. You’re difficult and polarizing, but once people get to know you, you’ll have them hooked for life.

Barbecue sauce

You like your life to be unpredictable, with a little zip of adventure. You enjoy the sweeter side of things, but you also know that things have to get a little messy in order to enjoy them.

Ranch dressing

You are a simple, simple, easygoing individual. There are no airs and pretensions with you. You know how to make even the most daunting things palatable (broccoli, anyone?) but lest you continue to drench your life in the stuff, try to expand your horizons. Live a little. Challenge yourself with some simple olive oil and garlic. See what awaits you outside the reliable buttermilk bottle.

Maple Syrup

Well, you just buck all trends, don’t you? You are the kind of person who would make an argument for serving brunch past 4pm, and offering breakfast foods at every meal. Your ability to pair your preferred topping with everything from pancakes to sausage to cayenne-pepper-lemonade may seem worldly and creative, but you’re still just dealing within the parameters of the same meal here. Go ahead. Explore the world. Broaden your horizons. Commit hard to the savory side of life. There’s cheese on that side.

Hummus

You’re the kind of person who claims to like omelets without the egg yolks better, aren’t you? I admire your resolve, Gwyneth Paltrow, but. I mean. Go ahead. Use pita chips instead of crudites. The full fat, pita chips. Better yet, bagel chips. You’re a very virtuous individual, but it’s time to let your freak flag fly.

Salsa

Depending on your favorite kind of salsa, you are one of two people:

A) a health-conscious individual. This is for the people who shill out the big bucks for the fresh stuff made in-house at a specialty grocer. You like identifying what is what in your life, and seeing the fresh chunks of each individual ingredient that makes up your everyday life. You don’t have any room for artificial fillers, and you like your world to be fresh and powerful at the same time.

B) If you prefer the jarred version, you just like to live on the wild side. Ain’t no tempering your flame, baby. You like living a deliberate life and you don’t care how many tastebuds… er, people you have to burn to get to your final destination.

Sriracha*

You’re not sure if you like things because they’re popular, or if things being popular is a mark of your good taste. In any case, you are a diehard sort of person with very specific ideas as to brand loyalty and how things should be. You are also extremely likely to stage a revolt if this delicate balance of what you love is in any way upturned. You will lead the zombie revolution. I am terrified of you.

Tabasco sauce*

You also like freebies (as evidenced by the whole bottle of Tabasco you ‘borrowed’ from Chipotle. But who could blame you? It’s like the free toy in a Happy Meal!

*It should be noted that if you like these two condiments, you need no explanation as to why they are separate from the aforementioned salsa. If you do require an explanation, then that says just as much about you, you left-brained problem-solver, you.

Guacamole

You like beating the system. You enjoy knowing you can have your cake and eat it too, as evidenced by your reckless consumption as something as terrifying as fat. But it’s the kind that’s GOOD for me! you say, and gleefully help yourself to more. You know what you’re about and you’re not going to let fear mongers dictate your life.