O! bacon, my bacon. Sweet, luscious, glorious, crackling bacon. Okay, I get that you can combine emojis to get your point across, but putting a pig in a frying pan seems morbid. It seems cruel and sadistic, and I’m not really out for killing pigs. Take out the messy middle man and offer the strips of meat candy already fried. How else am I supposed to let friends know I want to brunch? A martini and some eggs? Everyone knows you’re just here for the bacon anyway.
The green leaves in the ‘nature’ folder just aren’t cutting it for me anymore, you know? I need kale. Curly, hearty, robust kale. (I would also settle for broccoli, kale’s purportedly less pretentious predecessor.)
Clearly the superior dessert. Cupcakes are cute, and cronuts have gone so mainstream as to be sold as the “doughsant” at Whole Foods, but ah, pie. Wonderful, flaky, beautiful pie. The least cumbersome of the dough-based sweet treats, pie deserves its place in the sun. A literal emoji of the pi symbol will also be acceptable, because puns.
The Starbucks Red Cup
I see your PSL, people, and I raise you the ubiquitous red cup that came all too early this year. I mean, really. Really. IT WAS NOVEMBER FIRST, STARBUCKS. THERE WERE STILL FUN SIZED CANDY BARS ON THE GROUND. But I admit that things taste better, air smells cleaner, and the whole world is brighter when you’re first holding that glorious red paper cup. If designed cleverly and generically enough, such a vessel can also double as a soda can. (Sorry, team Pepsi. Your day will come.)
People of Other Skin Tones
I am actually really serious about this one, and I honestly do believe that there should be more ethnicities to choose from in the selection of emojis. (Emoji? Emojii? Is this the new .gif debate?) As it stands, the ones that are on offer are few and veer on stereotype, and a greater selection would mitigate such inadvertent profiling. I mean, we have how many choices of a personified cat? We can’t have at least a few more people to choose from? More national flags would also be a nice touch.
Other Global Landmarks
I may be partial to a good Hollywood sign or even a Golden Gate Bridge, but let’s show the wonders of the world some love. How about a nice Stonehenge? Or fish swimming through the coral at the Great Barrier Reef? I could get some good mileage out of a sweet Sphynx. We are the millennial generation, and our deepest ambition is to travel the world. Let us first express this desire in our text messages to our friends while we plan these elaborate vacations for which we’ll never have the money because this economy is a dream crusher.
CALM DOWN, CAT PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET. You have how many emojis devoted to your furry little feline? We can give the dog people this one. They pick warm poop off the sidewalk. They deserve this one concession.
Man with Beard
No Shave November is upon us, people. We must express ourselves as such.
A Couple with Space Between Them
Because sometimes, it’s easier to express the state of your love life with pixelated photographs rather than actual words. This would be the emoji version of “it’s complicated,” or “we’re taking space” or, “I love him, but he doesn’t love me right now.” Combining them to describe your relationship, a la Shoshanna Shapiro’s ill-fated panda + present + gun combo on HBO’s Girls, is a recipe for disaster. Pictures speak a thousand words! Never again will you have to explain to your friends the truth that hurts too much for you to admit to yourself: that your relationship is splintering, and fast. (A car crashing into a wall and/or bursting into flame would be too awful for this scenario. This is iMessage, not GTA. Maybe an Adele emoji would work, though.)
Nothing major, just the little circular yellow face with maybe some swirls for eyes. Deciding whether to use the X’d out eyes, the crying face, the sick face, or any number of the agonized faces with greater than, less than symbols for eyes is just too much work when you’re already in such a tender state of affairs.
Cheese is the most important meal of the day. As such, the greatest of all food groups deserves respect.
Hey girl, this one needs no explanation.