The most common reason that people email me is some variation of the question, “here’s my situation and so… what are my chances that my ex will come back?”
This is so common in fact, that I’m writing this article for the very purpose of answering the “what are my chances of getting my ex back?” question all in one place.
There is no cut and dried answer here, it’s always “it depends.” There are certain things which make it way MORE LIKELY that your relationship can be repaired, and that’s what I’m going to go through today.
Here are the five most important factors that determine whether your relationship is likely repairable or completely doomed.
1. The amount of time since your breakup.
While resurrecting a previously-dead relationship after years apart DOES happen, your best chance to get your ex back is doing the right things at the right time with the first 3 months after your breakup. After a fresh breakup, you are still a habit to your ex. During that time it’s easier to get their time and attention than if it’s been a really long time.
2. The length of your relationship.
If you’ve had a long, happy relationship with them, it’s so much more likely that you’ll get them back in the long run. While they might still go out and rebound after your breakup, it’ll be hard to match the kind of depth and emotional intensity that a couple with history shares.
Dating new people is usually hard and uncomfortable. This works in your favor! If your ex goes out into the cold, difficult world of dating and really struggles, it’s all that much more likely that the contrast will make them reconsider your breakup.
3. The real reasons why you broke up.
It’s easier to get back an ex who was upset about something specific and changeable than it is to get the attention of one who just doesn’t want what you had to offer.
When you think back over the breakup, what do you make of it? Why do YOU think they left?
If you can identify things that your ex was dying for you to change (but you were both otherwise happy), there’s more hope for a shared future than if you had severely different life goals, you cheated or you were in a cycle of abuse.
4. The intensity of their emotions toward you.
Is your ex still pissed at you beyond all sensical, logical reason? Good.
Or… did your relationship totally fizzle out? Would you describe your split as “we grew apart” or more like “fireworks that suddenly ended”?
The old cliche, love and hate are two sides of the same coin is really true when it comes to breakups. You’re a lot more likely to get an ex back who currently says they hate you right now than one who is completely apathetic toward you. Strong, passionate emotion— either positive or negative, can easily be channeled back toward your relationship.
A good guideline is that if they still cared enough at the very end to argue with you, it’s probably possible to get another shot at your relationship if you do the right things.
5. Whether you both are in the same life phase.
This is SO TRUE. Timing is truly make or break.
If you’re on the same page with them when it comes to life plan timing, your chances of getting back together are much higher than if you’re hurtling down two different life paths at top speed.
If one of you wants to see the world before settling down, no amount of rational discussion is going to prevent resentment if you settle down without doing it. If one of you wants kids and the other truly doesn’t, no amount of negotiation can change that.
Some things can be worked out, but things like widely varying stances on the future, commitment and children usually mean that you should call it dunzo. You might succeed in getting their attention, but your relationship won’t work if one or both of you is fighting moldering resentment every single day. That dog just doesn’t hunt long term.
Sometimes love cannot outlast the sense that one or both of you isn’t following your ideal life plan.