Are you struggling with trying to get closure after a breakup? Have you chased your ex and not gotten anywhere?
Trying to get closure after a breakup is a slippery slope because wanting it and believing you need it before you can move forward can seriously keep you stuck in the past.
If you’re in a place of wanting or needing something from your ex, you are firmly not moving on. Whether it’s your iPod that they stubbornly refuse to return or perfect closure, even if you try to move on with your life, there is always that thing that you need to get from them so that you can move on. This is detrimental to moving forward and definitely detrimental to meeting someone new.
This is why it’s vitally important that you give yourself closure. After all, to borrow a term, “it’s called a breakup because it’s broken” right?
Getting meaningful closure directly from your ex after a breakup is so rare that it rivals unicorn blood and angel tears. The reason I say meaningful, is that your ex might have said SOMETHING about why they broke up with you or why your relationship fell apart, but usually it’s not really that satisfying, accurate or helpful.
That’s why it’s necessary to give yourself closure right now.
Here’s how to get closure, so you can move on:
1. Go no contact.
I have discussed going no contact frequently. The reason to go no contact is that you can’t get space to heal from your breakup when you’re constantly bombarded with contact (or the potential of contact, or wishing for contact, or not getting the perfect contact) from the very person who hurt you.
Staying in contact with a recent ex is like getting horrible road rash and then going for another slide on the asphalt. In order to heal and get this over with, you’re going to need to break the addiction to your ex. Going no contact with them is the best way to do this.
2. Reflect on your part, then shut the door.
In the wake of a breakup, it’s easy to dwell on all of the why’s and self incrimination but never really reach any understanding. I know that after a couple of really hard breakups, I did a ton of beating myself up but never actually reached any worthwhile conclusions. Often it takes time and distance to get a real idea of why things didn’t work out. In the grief of a breakup, trying to get clarity on what you did wrong often leads to the feeling that you can bargain with your ex to make them come back.
3. Have a little ceremony.
While I don’t suggest setting your exe’s stuff on fire ala “Friends”, it can be helpful to have a little get-together with your best buddies where you ceremonially move on from the breakup.
Let the occasion mark the end of your relationship with your ex and make it clear to your friends that this is the intention of what you’re doing together. Something simple like a shared dinner or drinks with your ladies in honor of your breakup is a good way to do this as well. Anything you can think of to mark the end of the relationship and symbolize you moving forward is helpful. Avoid rambling on and on about the heartbreak as well. It’s important for this event to mark the end of your pairing, not be another evening where you agonize about breakup details.
4. Resolve to move on.
Whether there is hope for a reconciliation with your ex or not, it’s time to get moving on so that you can get out of this space where you are wasting time in a place of devastating limbo. Staying stuck in a place of despair and wanting a reconciliation with your ex will waste your time, energy, and tears. Wishing and hoping for your ex to come back takes an exhausting amount of emotional energy and doesn’t actually control the outcome.