This Is The Problem With Changing Yourself To Find Love

Twenty20 / IgorSun
Twenty20 / IgorSun

Should you change to find true love? There is so much conflicting advice out there about whether or not it is right to spiff yourself up to attract someone into your life. It’s a tough dilemma because on one hand you don’t want to bait and switch yourself to a bad relationship, on the other, you want someone to be deeply and spiritually connected to who you actually are.

Whether you should change to attract ‘The One’ depends on whether you’re living what you deem to be your best life.

Are you skipping around every day, thrilled to be living your fabulous life?

Do you look the best that you can given your genetics and environment? Do you take care of yourself emotionally AND physically? Do you feel great about yourself? Do you hate your job, living situation or appearance? Do you feel deep down that you would like to change for you?

Deep down, only you can say whether you are living your best life. I’d be willing to bet that like most of us (me definitely included) you have some days which are better than others. Sometimes you feel super put together and ready to take on the world. You have other days where you’re looking and smelling wonderful but you’re in an absolutely foul mood.

Sometimes your yoga pants are just what you need to feel happy and content. Sometimes it’s time to bring out the fat jeans and suck it in because that’s all there is to do. This is all human.

Often, dating authors wax on and on about trying to turn yourself into a fashion plate to meet someone. They talk about losing weight, going to the gym, getting a makeover, dressing differently.

Have you ever thought to yourself, “if I don’t look or act a certain way, I’ll never meet anyone?” it’s this feeling that drives so many people over the edge. It’s easy to feel like you’ll never get a boyfriend or succeed in a relationship if you don’t look and act a certain way.

On the other hand, women often get really upset about the whole “change to meet a man idea” and refuse to do basic self care with the excuse that “he’ll love me for who I am.” That isn’t really fair either. Are you taking care of yourself and feeling good? Are you doing the emotional work necessary to allow a man to get close to you and want to stay close? No, it’s all about you.

I’m not going to pat your butt and tell you that you’re doing a great job if you aren’t. That isn’t my style and I deeply believe that I owe you better.

If you feel like you are absolutely living your best life, there is nothing you are unhappy with and you have just not met the right person, wonderful job.

Shine on, you crazy diamond. For everyone else who is not quite where they want to be, I want to impress upon you the idea that like attracts like. You will only gain the kind of amazing relationship you are looking for when you commit yourself to being amazing in each and every way you can.

If you are having more good days than bad and have committed yourself to working on things you love and crafting a lifestyle that you are thrilled about, I commend you. If things are still a work in progress but you have made the strong statement of self care necessary to live your dream life, I commend you.

If you haven’t started yet, but are sitting around bemoaning the fact that prince charming isn’t outside beating your door down, I must ask, why?

If you are interested in attracting someone amazing in your life, you must be someone amazing. I know the seeds are in there, but it’s important to embark upon the journey, knowing that something better awaits you which you will gain whether you remain single or not. In order to get your dream relationship, you must lay the groundwork so that the person who you attract isn’t forced to compromise.

You must raise your standards for yourself. Remember that you must aspire to become someone elses dream as well. This isn’t about changing your hairstyle or sweating around the gym. It’s about gaining the ability to be happy and confident about where you are with your life in this moment.

Starting now, go out and start something that will make you a more well rounded, fit, beautiful or knowledgeable person. If you need to make some life changes to make this easier to do, the time is now. There is nothing to lose by aspiring to live more of the life of your dreams, so start now. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

This post originally appeared at Attract The One.

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