In the age of online dating, almost every first date is a blind one, aka a date with the most potential to go horribly wrong. Sure that guy looks cute in his photo, hell, sometimes he’s straight up hot and you’re flattered he initiated a conversation with you (although to be fair, your profile pictures are all from last December when you had the flu and were 10 pounds lighter than your current weight). But you know who else every girl on Tinder would have swiped right for? That Princeton grad that just murdered his father! Dating is dangerous! It’s a big risk going out with a complete stranger. But sometimes, the bigger the risk, the bigger the reward. Supposedly it’s a number game – the more dates you endure, the more likely one of them may be surprisingly pain free. Some of them are, gasp, even fun. And then others… well, here are some of my thoughts.
1. Oh he’s cuter than his picture! (Go over to sit at his table)… And, that’s not the right guy.
2. Sunglasses are like makeup for men. It’s amazing how much better he looked with them on in his photo! I wish he was wearing them now.
3. So if this works out, I guess I won’t have the need for those Louboutins I’ve been eyeing. I can’t tell if that’s good or bad but I can tell he’s not 5”8.
4. I guess I’ll have white even though I really prefer red. But I suppose I should wait til’ we sleep together to reveal my red-wine induced rosacea.
5. Shit, what’s his name?
6. This is nice, someone who doesn’t work in my industry and thinks it sounds exciting.
7. This is painful, he doesn’t work in my industry and we have absolutely nothing to talk about.
8. That Australian accent totally negates his lack of job or stability. God, everything just sounds better when he says it!
9. I should have just dated that guy who had a thing for me in college.
10. I should have just dated that guy who loved me in high school.
11. I guess this is what I’m left with. Suck it up. You want children, don’t you?
12. He looks like he could be a good father. He’s got that nice, non-sexual thing going.
13. I need to wrap this up soon! My DVR is piling up and I just want to go home and watch Shark Tank.
14. Why’d you make this date on a Friday?! Now you can’t use the “big meeting at work tomorrow” excuse. When will you learn!
15. (Scrolling on Hinge) Oh! That guy looks cute. And has a good job. Hello, new boyfriend. Is this bad to do this while he’s in the bathroom?
16. Do I have to do that awkward, put my hand in my purse, pretend I’m reaching for my credit card move? He knows I’m not paying, right?
17. He’s walking me to my car so is he going to kiss me? How’s my breath? Is it physically possible to smell my own breath?
18. I should not have had that garlic dip from the farmers market before this date. Ugh, but it’s so good!
19. Shit, he’s going in for the kiss. I’m going to vomit.
20. So much saliva. And teeth.
21. Not bad!
22. He didn’t kiss me. Does he not find me attractive? Do I have food in my teeth!?
23. I’m going to die alone.
24. I didn’t really like him but I’d go out with him again.
25. I hate online dating.