12 Things I Swore I’d Never Do As A Parent

Before I became one myself, I judged other parents. I observed them and swore I would never do some of the things they did. Of course, now that I am a parent I do all of these things without hesitation. I’m not proud, don’t judge:

1. Refer to myself as “Mommy”

Especially in the third person. “Mommy says no!” is something I blurt out at least 10 times a day.

2. Baby talk.

I add an “ie” or a “y” to everything I say. Want to go for a walk-ie, have a drink-ie, call daddy? Okayieee!

3. Over-schedule the kids.

I plan a different activity for every day whether it’s free or not. I can’t put a price on getting out of the house.

4. Have a playdate.

 I never had a play date when I was a kid, why should my kids need one? I get it now, a playdate is a way for me to go hang out with the one mom I have befriended at music class that secretly laughs along with me every time we are forced to skip around the room, sing about a squirrel and simultaneously swing our stunned babies side to side.

5. Join a mother’s club.

This one is up there with getting a mini-van and referring to myself as a soccer mom. It sounds worse than it is. Mother’s clubs are actually a place to drink wine and laugh and cry with someone in your shoes that lives one mile from you, and get their babysitters phone number.

6. Day drink.

I am not above this situation: Have one glass of wine balanced out with one cup of re-heated coffee and one giant handful of goldfish for lunch while watching a dvr’d Parks and Rec episode at 1:30pm while my twins nap.

7. Let my toddlers watch tv.

Experts say no tv until the age of two. Well, those experts have never been to my house at 4pm when my 18 month olds are running into walls while simultaneously sobbing, whacking each other with fisher price golf clubs and sticking raisins up their nose. Sometimes an insane 12 minute Wiggles episode is the only sane 12 minutes of my day.

8. Let my toddlers eat junk food. 

Last night my twins ate a spoonful of ketchup and a popsicle for dinner after throwing all of their chicken, peas and pasta on the floor. I pick my battles.

9. Put my husband in a time out.

OK, I haven’t actually done this, but I have heard about someone who did, and in a moment of temporary insanity that occurs daily at 6:30pm, I could totally see this happening.

10. Let my house be covered in toys and general kids crap.

These days, my house is more wang chung than feng shui. I can’t fight it, it’s inevitable. I like to look at it as a giant obstacle course on the way to my bed.

11. Become a human tissue.

Yes, I wipe my child’s snot with my sleeve and forget to change my shirt the rest of the day. I like to consider it a mother’s badge of honor.

12. Turn in to my mother. 

I am this close to strapping on a fanny pack and whipping out a clip board of fun a la my mother circa 1992.

I’m sure this list will only grow longer as my twins grow up. Veteran moms, please don’t warn me about what else is to come…