Found on AskReddit.
1. erisfalling
I’m in 7th grade. Think I’m a badass because my boyfriend is a high schooler. He asks what my parents would think of us “dating,” and trying to be brave, I say “I don’t give a fuck what my parents think.” And from behind me, my father clears his throat.
Grounded doesn’t even begin to describe it. People thought I had died or moved.
I was 12, he was 16. I was lucky to get grounded.
2. notaverageatall
Me to a friend about a teacher, “Mr X can go fuck himself that bold headed cunt.” He was approaching where we were sitting to speak to me, so he responds “good to know your opinion.”
4 years later still hates me, dont blame him.
3. MarvinLazer
Mine is bad. During senior year in college, I was doing a pretty high budget musical theater production where we all had our own personal headsets to sing into. There was a really pretty girl in the production who I had a thing for who was rather flirty with one of the other guys and it made me jealous. I had seen her with her boyfriend recently and he… wasn’t a particularly good-looking guy. So I was talking to the other dude who she had a habit of flirting with backstage during rehearsal and said “Hey, I saw X with her boyfriend the other day. I can see why she flirts with you so much haha!”
Yeah. My headset was on. Everyone in the entire theater heard me, including the girl. I have never been so embarrassed and ashamed in my life.
4. Chakas343
A couple years ago my best friend and I were in a Best Buy chatting away. Somehow he gets to trying to make the point that he can use the “N word” how, and when he pleases because he has a cousin that married a black guy. We’re going back and forth for a bit and finally I stop and actually dropping the n-bomb myself declare that “No, you absolutely cannot say (n-bomb) just because you have a black cousin.” I see his face kind of drop and knew what happened. I turned around and saw a black guy standing behind me laughing his ass off. I just said “Sorry man.” He said “Not a problem.” and when I turned back to my friend I saw his foot disappearing around the corner of the isle. The sneaky bastard had abandoned me
5. drinkandreddit
Yeah, I walked up to my wife standing in the kitchen with her back to me one morning before I put my contacts in, and went to kiss the back of her neck. Realized at the very last second it was my sister. They were both sporting the same hair cut and color at the time.
6. Jmcothran
I was drinking at a bar one night with some friends from work, and we’re all bitching about work. Me, in my drunken state, start rambling about one of the supervisors and how much of a bitch he was. I don’t know about other people, but I can’t control the volume of my voice when I’m drunk and excited.
Needless to say, said supervisor was sitting at the other end of the bar trying to mack on some girl. I didn’t last long at that job.
7. Wikiholic
My brother got into a fight with my aunt, so I got mad when he told me and I called her a bitch and she was standing right behind me the whole time. My cousin tried to warn me but I was like DON’T INTERRUPT MY RANTING!! I looked her dead in the eye when I left the room though.
8. deep_pants_mcgee
walked up behind my wife and grabbed her boobs.
turns out she was actually behind me.
9. jdon1807
A friend in high school said our teacher was a bitch. She was right behind him, looking at him.
10. joem69
At a swimming pool with my girlfriend and see a girl who I thought was folding her arms so you couldn’t see them and I, being the childish prick I am loudly announce, “look Alice, that girl has no arms.” She had no arms. I’m pretty sure her, the lifeguard and some other people heard me. We quickly left after that.
11. pjpartypi
The day after the Homer Phobia episode of Simpsons had aired, a friend was recounting the scene below.
- Homer: That John is the greatest guy in the world. We’ve gotta have him and his wife over for drinks sometime.
- Marge: Hmm, I don’t think he’s married, Homer.
- Homer: Oh, a swinging bachelor, eh? Well, there’s lots of foxy ladies out there.
- Marge: Homer, didn’t John seem a little… festive to you?
- Homer: Couldn’t agree more. Happy as a clam.
- Marge: [insisting] He prefers the company of men!
- Homer: Who doesn’t?
- Marge: Homer, listen carefully. John is a ho – mo…
- Homer: Right.
- Marge: … sexual.
- Homer: [pause] Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Unknown to my friend who was recounting the scene, another friend was walking up behind him. This person had just come out of closet. Much embarrassment was had.
12. Smashleighjayne
My brother’s girlfriend the other day. I was talking to my friend about her at the weekend and referred to her as ‘cunt face’. Oops.
13. Toaster_Boaster
Some years back, my brother and I were sitting at a table in McDonald’s grabbing a bite. I’m sitting there people watching when I notice and start observing a couple queuing for food. As she bends down to pick something up, I notice him playfully ‘finger’ her arse hole. She stands up and they have a bit of a laugh, and then get to the counter and order their food. As they approach the seating area, I lean into my brother and say “You see this couple walking toward us? She just bent down and he fingered her arsehole”. My brother only catches the tail end of what I said and just as they are right next to us he exclaims loudly “HE FINGERED HER ARSE HOLE?!?!?!” With wide eyes and gritted teeth I whisper-shouted “SHUT THE FUCK UP!”. The penny then drops for him and he proceeds to piss himself laughing whilst I hide my face in my hands.
14. snaildzila
Monday at work, first coffee break, just standing and discussing the weekend with some women at the office. I told them about a guy that tried to hit on me at the bar. They asked if he got my number. I laughed and said: “no way, I’m not into shorter guys and this one was tiny – about this tall”. I raise my hand to show his height and it matches perfectly with the top of the head of my boss who was behind me at that moment. He also heard the comment. He’s not a midget, but pretty short and very self conscious about it. I didn’t get in trouble, but our meetings were a bit tense for a couple of months…
15. LunarBloom
Oh god, this has haunted me since high school (and that was more than two decades ago).
I was ‘dating’ a really sweet, shy boy. He’s cute, he’s geeky, he’s neat and I like him.
But after a few weeks… he gets super-super clingy. He waits for me after every single class (and I had no idea how he was getting out of his classes in time to wait for me outside of mine. when I asked he’d say ‘magic’), and walks me to my next class. He shows up at my house after school before I get home every day. He calls me (pre cell phones, remember) constantly, driving my household batty. He shows up in the middle of the night knocking on my window.
After a couple of weeks of this, I am frustrated beyond belief. This one morning, he was at an appointment, and I was walking to my locker with my best friend before our next class. I am venting. I have my locker door opened, and my back is facing the locker door, I am facing my friend. I say venomously, I WISH HE WOULD GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE! And turn around, slamming my locker door shut….
And yep. He’s right there. Leaning against the lockers. Crying. He turns, literally runs away crying. I feel awful. Like the worst person ever.
There is more to this story, years and years later, when I was in my 20’s, I was at a dance club. I was in the elevator, drunk, leaving. The doors are closing, and suddenly a foot catches the closing doors, causing them to pause. In steps the dude from high school. GLARING at me. I’ve not seen nor talked to him since I was 14 at this point.
He continues glaring at me, his fists balled at his sides. He finally spits out the words “I want you to know I’M GAY AND IT’S YOUR FAULT!”. He says nothing else. I say ‘I’m sorry’. We reach the bottom floor, I leave and he stays.
EDIT : I should have added I do not in any way think being gay is a choice, or that I ‘made’ him gay. At all. At the time I was stunned and drunk, and had no witty retort, or even the presence of mind to be like… dude, no that’s not how this works.
16. canarylogan
Christmas day two years a go my girlfriend see’s me sitting on the sofa and proceeds to sit in between my legs, snuggled all up comfortable and stroking my thigh in front of my whole family, all of her in laws.
I was in the kitchen.
My brother was on the sofa. I don’t think he minded too much.
17. invoidzero
This one still haunts me. I was sitting at the crowded lunch table in high school. Some friends were talking about how crazy this one guy Bob was, though I only caught half the conversation I jumped in saying, “Oh! Bob (I used his full name)? That dude is super creepy what’s up with that guy, why is he always lurking around?” I turned back and he was sitting diagonal from me. The whole. Time. There was no way to cover that one up gracefully. I felt like shit but seriously, he was always the guy that latched on to a group and said nothing. This was the perfect example. I’m still an asshole though. If you’re reading this, Bob. My bad. I was a dick in high school.
18. function_overload
In the morning me and my girlfriend have an argument over the stupidest thing, she walked into a chair and blamed it on me and it blew out of proportion to the point where I was questioning if this was real life, well the day continued and it seemed like it had blown over. Later in the day me and a friend were in a rush and I was trying to get some much needed information from my girlfriend, but she wouldn’t pick up the damn phone, I had called her maybe 3 or 4 times previous and we needed to know the details.
On this 5th time I am calling, realise she isn’t picking up again, my friends shouts to me “so what was the deal earlier?” or something similar, and I take the phone away from my head quickly and I shout back “THE IDIOT WALKED INTO A FUCKING CHAIR AND STARTING GOING OFF ON ONE, WHAT A DOUCHE” and as I return the phone to my ear I just hear her unleashing hell on the other end.
But before she even started to speak I had realised I had fucked up bad.
19. NDRB
was at church and a couple of the guys were having trouble finalising a video for the evenings youth service. this was about an hour out and they were meant to have had it done hours earlier and knew they’d get in crap over it so so were discussing the lie they’d tell the pastor, their boss, to get out of it. after about 5 minutes he calls out from his office less than 10 meters away. turns out he was there the whole time
20. horseknee69
Back in high school, I stashed away a handle of Sky in one of my drawers. I had a friend over and (naturally) was showing it off. Holding it in hand, I said something along the lines of, “It should only last me a couple weekends,” (a lie of course), “so my mom will totally never see it.” I didn’t think my mom was home. She was. And also walking into my room as I’m boasting about and holding my vodka.
21. elefantiasis
In highschool once there was this kid who really had a crush on me, he always found it difficult to make friends. Everyone always compared him to sloth from the goonies and would shout ”hey you guys” when ever he walked past, he was a sweet guy though, the ONE time I made a joke about him and said ”hey you guys” he was stood in a class room with an open door right next to where I was. He walked out with almost tears in his eyes and never spoke to me again.
22. PinkieDash1321
When my mom was in high school, she went to Catholic school. One day, they went on a field trip to a rodeo and for my mom, being from Denver, it was her first time seeing a horse up close. So she’s with her friends, and she sees a massive male horse, fully relaxed and just enjoying the day. My mom’s first reaction is to go “Oh my God, Becky, look at how big that horse’s cock is!”
Becky (yes that was really her name) states at her with her mouth hanging open and my mom sighs and asks “Father Preston’s right behind me, isn’t he?”
Yup. I love that story
23. princessxnightmare
It wasn’t me personally, but I was at a party once with a bunch of kids I used to go to school with. There was a particular girl who was friends with the person throwing the party and not really anyone else. Well a group of somewhat well known folk were all standing around cracking jokes about said girl thinking she had left. Just generic insults calling her dumb, fat, ugly, ect. About ten or fifteen minutes into the banter she came out of the bathroom crying hysterically and left the party almost immediately.
Tl;dr: She was listening in the shitter the whole time.
24. Annrarr
Not me, but a close friend of mine, Michael. We were on a school camp where everybody stayed in tents, including the teachers. My friends and I were talking about how we’d gotten to know our teachers more, and my friends said “except Ms Turner, I’d always known she was a crack head”. Then we heard a distressed “MICHAEL!” Ms Turner was in the zipped up tent, right next to us. For the rest of the trip she never looked at Michael the same. I think she cried that night.
25. cucumberadoption
During my summer job at the local marine base when I was 14, I and a few of my coworkers (all kids) decided to sneak aboard one of the boats for underwater mines. While I was doing “the Titanic” at the tip of the ship and yelling “I CAN FLYYY” and the ensuing silence made me realize the captain of the vessel was standing right behind me. I turned around slowly and there he was..
Did get a tour of the ship so it was all good, but never been so ashamed my whole life.
(Pardon’s my bad’s english, Im’s scandinavian’s)
26. g-rain
Was recently explaining to my friend how the hot guy at work was laid out on the table ‘like a platter’ as he walked up behind us. It was too late to not finish my sentence.
27. Barnatron
A dear colleague of mine was asked if he would still bang that bitchy supervisor everyone fancied, even tho she was now pregnant.
“Of course I would! It’s like getting a shag and a blowjob at the same time!”
Cue comedic slow turn around…
