Once upon a time there was nothing cooler than Facebook. They made a movie about it that starred Justin Timberlake so it must’ve been cool. Unfortunately all good things must come to an end, just ask Myspace. If for some reason you’re still living in the past, here are the reasons you need to bid adieu to Facebook.
1. So Many Damn Babies
I get it your personal life is going better than mine, but I don’t need you to throw it in my face everyday. Also while it’s understandable why you love every time your baby does something amazing it seems like stuff more suited for an actual photo album than your Facebook album. Plus let’s be honest we’ve all seen much cuter babies.
2. The Worst Political Debates Not on Fox News
Who doesn’t want to have a public political debate with your semi-racist uncle and that kid from that political science class you took six years ago? You try to stay out of it, but you just sit and watch the notifications pile up. Finally you give in and go nuclear on everybody involved. While you may have won the argument just think about how much more uncomfortable Thanksgiving will be this year.
3. If I Want to See Your Pictures I’ll Check Instagram
Even as Twitter began to take over Facebook was at least still the go to place for you to post your sweet selfies and vacation pics. Now that Instagram has arrived Facebook has become the place where pictures go to die. Basically the only pictures left on there are the memes that were deemed not good enough for Twitter.
4. Screw Your Game Requests
Has anybody ever been anything but disgusted when they get a notification that someone sent them a request for the newest garbage game of the week? The people that send these game requests are the worst people known to Earth. Let’s hope they all get together and fund a The Interview type movie. Our friends in North Korea will take care of the rest.
5. Goodbye Privacy: You’ve Just Been Tagged
Facebook has helped ensure that you’ll never be able to stay off the grid again. You can’t go anywhere without someone tagging you in a status. It’s understandable to tag people at big events such as concerts or sporting events since it’s actually interesting that you’re there. Tagging people and checking in at Applebees isn’t interesting, it actually just makes me sad you couldn’t go to a better restaurant.
6. Sarcasm Doesn’t Translate
A clever, well thought joke gets praise and retweets on Twitter. On Facebook that same joke is met with concern and confusion. For example: “Is 25 too early for a mid-life crisis? Asking for a friend.” Not a classic, but on Twitter it would still get a few favorites and maybe a sympathy retweet or two. Meanwhile that status on Facebook just sent all of your friends and family into panic mode. You’re suddenly flooded with ‘Are you ok’ texts and ‘Do you need to talk’ comments.
7. The Over Sharers
When you got a friend request from someone that you barely knew in high school you didn’t give it much thought. I guess I know them so sure I’ll accept. Just months later you’ve learned more about this person than you could’ve ever wanted. It’s always the people that you barely know that are the most open about their lives on Facebook. You’d think that the fact that their husband has to take a DNA test to see if he’s the father of some other girl’s baby would be information on a need to know basis. Apparently not since that was deemed an appropriate status. Now we’re left deciding what is the proper etiquette when it comes to liking that status.
8. Unfriending is Not Acceptable
Why not just unfriend these people you ask. Well, the answer is that it’s a step too far. Unfollowing somebody on Twitter is allowed since there’s an unspoken understanding that it could happen if you don’t deliver the goods. Doing it on Facebook just seems cruel and childish. The minute you accepted that friend request you made an agreement to live with that person’s annoying statuses for as long as you’re alive or until you delete Facebook.
9. Your Family Discovered It
Remember when Facebook was meant solely for college students? Ah those were the good days. The minute you got a friend request from your 5th-grade sister Facebook died for you. Nothing good can come from your Dad seeing pictures from the party that you were at last night. Also what happened to Grandmas finding out what you were up to via a phone call once or twice a year? Instead she’ll be commenting on virtually every status you post with gems like ‘be careful’ or ‘love you grandson’. Love you too grandma but this isn’t the place for that!
10. Facebook Thinks it Needs Two Apps
Needing two Facebook apps on your phone is just flat out unacceptable. That precious storage is needed for the pics of your ex and the notes you made in the middle of the night that you’re still trying to figure out the meaning of.
11. Your Likes Have Become Your Annoying Friends
When setting up your Facebook profile you were asked to post your favorite music, movies and TV shows. You didn’t want a blank profile so you filled it up with a nice variety of selections. Now fast forward six years and your likes fill more of your news feed than your friends. 10 Things I Hate About You was a cool movie, but you don’t need to be reminded that it’s Julia Stiles birthday and you certainly don’t need to buy a mug with the cast on it no matter how much you miss Heath Ledger.
12. Where Productivity Goes to Die
Think about everything you do during the day. What is the thing that you gain the least from? Checking your Facebook is clearly the correct answer. You’re losing a lot of time on something that provides absolutely nothing. You just spent an hour hate looking at babies and reading about how everyone hates Mondays. At least Twitter gives you some breaking sports news or clever jokes. Let’s all agree to do something productive with our Facebook time like watch TV. If we all do it then we might be able to make You’re The Worst bigger than Seinfeld.
13. R.I.P. Facebook Stalking
The list could just consist of this one reason and it would be enough to walk away from Facebook. In the past when you’d first meet someone attractive the first thing you’d do is Facebook stalk them. After hopefully finding them you’d have the great internal debate about whether adding them would be cute or creepy. For girls the answer was always cute, but it’s quite a dilemma for a guy. If you didn’t have any mutual friends then you couldn’t add them unless you’re in true desperation mode and didn’t care about the repercussions because there was no coming back from it. Now when meeting someone new there is not even a thought of Facebooking them, if anything you want to hide your profile so they don’t know you’re still on there.
image – The Big Bang Theory: Seasons 1-4