When I prepared for the release of my group coaching program, “Make Your Inner Sex Kitten Roar,” I talked to both men and women about what makes a person sexy.
The number one answer: confidence.
I wish that I could hand you a beautifully wrapped gift filled with all the confidence you’ll ever need, but I have to tell you, darling: confidence is an inside job.
Now, I’ll be honest, I really appreciate compliments. I like to be told that I’m pretty and sexy. I like to be told that I’m a good writer. I love being told that I’m a loving person. These compliments boost my confidence, but no amount of them will create it.
But though I can’t give you a neatly wrapped box containing confidence, I can give you these eight tips to help you build upon your confidence in the beautiful soul that you are.
1. Celebrate Your Victories
How often do we brush aside compliments? How many times do we accomplish great things, without giving ourselves credit for our good work? It’s time to pat yourself on the back and celebrate your victories.
Dig around in your memory and think about things you are so proud of accomplishing. Don’t think about whether other people noticed what you did or whether you received praise. Choose events that make you feel light and free when you think about them, not those that make you feel tight and constricted. Choose events that make your heart flutter!
They can be small or big, affect only you or other people too. Make a list and as you write each accomplishment down, give yourself a pat on the back and acknowledge all that you’ve done. This is a great step towards building your inner confidence!
2. Make Decisions
We often underestimate the power of decision.
Decision is scary for a lot of people, and I get it: Decision is actually a lot about loss, because once you’ve chosen a path, you’re also choosing to ignore all the other paths – you’re losing those other avenues.
Often times, we don’t make decisions because we don’t trust ourselves. Let me tell you something, sweetie: if you don’t make a decision things will basically stay the same, even if “the same” means excuses, negative self-talk, and baggage.
Lighten your load, forgive yourself, and drop the baggage in the dumpster where it belongs!
It’s OK to start small. Choose a restaurant. Pick out a new pair of shoes. Then make bigger decisions: pick a vacation spot or a piece of art or a new suit. With each decision, you become more and more confident versus waiting for someone to make the decisions for you and letting your confidence wither away.
3. Let Go Of Perfection
I understand that you want things to be right in your life, but trying to be perfect is actually paralyzing. Perfectionism sets you up for living in fear of never measuring up or being good enough. Confidence is not developed in a state of perfection. In fact, perfectionism is the antithesis of confidence.
4. Take Action
Confidence comes through experience, and experience comes through action. The most confident people I know are, ironically, the ones who are willing to look stupid, insane, crazy, and idiotic in order to reach their goals. Over and over, they attempt, fail, course correct and continue to learn and grow through life’s experiences.
5. Fake It, Baby
Sometimes, you just have to fake it: put on your big girl panties and pretend to be confident. Go into a restaurant and sit at the bar and be confident. Make conversation with the bartender. Talk to those around you. Pick out a role of a confident and sexy person you admire and BE them for the duration. How would they walk into the bar? What would they order? How would she introduce herself?
I’m not telling you to not be yourself – I’m simply suggesting you try to wear another person’s shoes for a few moments. Because, deep inside of you is this confident sexy person – you may just need to try it on for size before you wear it full time. Why don’t you decide who you want to be and then play the role.
6. Dress How You Want To Feel
When I first began playing golf, I was terrified. Want to know how I built my confidence on the golf course? I got some cute golf clothes. When I put on my golf clothes, I look like a golfer so when I step onto the course, I felt like a golfer. My confidence in my golf game grows.
Dressing how you want to feel is a great way to play with physical reality to build your inner confidence. So, define how you want to feel, imagine how that feeling looks, and dress with the intention of embodying your feeling.
So, when I want to feel sexy and fun for dinner out with JB, I put on a flirty dress, stockings and heels. When I want to feel business-like, I’ll wear a suit. When I want to feel professional yet relaxed, I’ll opt for a sweater and a pair of slacks.
7. Watch Your Posture
Stand up like you mean it. Stand up like you have something to say to the world. Even if you choose not to say it out loud, watching your posture makes you more powerful and more confident. So, practice good posture to start building your confidence level. That’s right, back straight, shoulders back and boobs out!
8. Show Your Pearly Whites
Was it Beau Brommel who said you’re never fully dressed without a smile? A smile is one of those totally controllable actions that you can take into your outer world that will make your inner world soar. Try it. Walk into a room and just smile. Notice what happens. Suddenly, good mojo begins to flow towards you. You start to relax. Things stop being so damned serious. And you discover that your confidence is greater.
Feeling confident and sexy is about being comfortable in your own skin. It’s that simple.