If you’re a single woman trying to survive in the dating world, you know it can be a scary place. While there are many truly wonderful men out there, there are also dark places where “monster men” lurk, lying in wait for an unsuspecting lovely like you to wander by.
These bad boys are the stars of a single-and-seeking woman’s own horror flick. Let’s call it Monster Men: Attack of the Heartbreakers.
There are so many monster men out there, that I devoted a whole chapter to them (and more specifically to avoiding them) in my dating guide, The Modest Minx: A Date-For-Marriage Method For Women Who Know That Good Men Marry Class, Not Ass.
Let’s a take a look at some of these monsters you should avoid dating:
1. The Swamp Thing.
If he isn’t undressing the waitress with his eyes, he’s sexting an ex-girlfriend. If he isn’t lying about where he was, he’s lying about who he was with. Untrustworthy and seemingly proud of it, this monster man’s slimy behavior should make you run for your life.
2. The Grim Reaper.
Hypersensitive, puritanical and cheerless, this monster man takes everything to heart. When he enters a room, it’s like the cold breath of death sweeps in with him. Whether you tell an edgy joke, or express a thought or opinion he doesn’t agree with, you are likely to be met with an offended expression and a chastising finger wag.
3. The Werewolf.
This guy’s true self is always just below the surface. At the slightest provocation (real or imagined), he transforms from his man-form to his monster-form with terrifying speed. Fangs appear and the claws come out in a burst of anger, belligerence or assumption. Don’t fool yourself; this beast cannot be tamed.
4. The Sasquatch.
It’s safest to catch only fleeting glimpses of this monster man who resides in the deep woods of narcissism and self-importance. He thinks he’s smarter, better looking and harder-working than anyone else, and misses no opportunity to say so. This guy’s solitude is for a reason, because nobody can stand to be around him.
5. The Hellhound.
Don’t let his baby blues deceive you. This guy’s eyes glow demon-red in the dark. Whether it’s poking fun at overweight or old people (just loudly enough for them to hear, of course), or laughing when you slip on an icy sidewalk, this mean-spirited jerk goes for the throat whenever he can.
6. The Zombie.
This monster man is the master of mixed messages. If he’s walking toward you with his arms outstretched, he must want to wrap his arms around you in a loving embrace, right? Wrong. He wants to rip out your heart with his teeth. This guy loves to talk about how “confused” he is or how he “just isn’t sure” what he wants, and he will have you in a constant state of speculation. Is he serious about us or not? What did he mean by that?
Spoiler alert: This guy isn’t confused at all. He has perfect clarity. He doesn’t like you. What he does like is the kick he gets from keeping you on the back-burner, stroking his ego (and whatever else he can get you to stroke).
7. The Cyclops.
This monster man has only one eye, smack in the middle of his forehead. Perhaps that’s why he’s only capable of seeing things from his superior point of view. Shrill and self-righteous, this is the guy who feels compelled to share his opinions with as many people as possible.
If he isn’t composing indignant missives on Internet comment boards, he’s preaching his own brand of enlightened morality to anyone within earshot. If you hook up with him, be prepared for a lifetime of ugly sermonizing.
8. The Vampire.
Charming and disarmingly persuasive, this sexy, silver-tongued slickster will use your body to satisfy his every pleasure. And while it might feel really good while he’s doing it, in the end, he ends up stronger and you end up weaker. Unfortunately for you, this monster man is also a monstrous time-waster.
He’s immortal, which means he’s in no hurry to get serious or move your relationship forward toward marriage. If you DO get involved with him, be prepared to spin your wheels for years in a dead-end relationship. He won’t just suck your blood … he’ll suck your time, hope and dignity, too.