When I found out my boyfriend had been unfaithful, my heart skipped a beat. Then it began to beat so aggressively that I could see my heart lifting from my chest. Then came the uncontrollable shaking and losing any and all control over my body. I didn’t know how to react, so I pretended like nothing had happened and that everything was OK; I wanted one last moment of bliss before I knew it had to end it.
I went three weeks broken up with him, and without him by my side, before I finally cracked and went back into his arms — a place that was so familiar and comfortable to me. My ego was bruised and I felt insecure. Why did he cheat? Was I not good enough? How was I so blind? All these questions and thoughts kept me up for nights on end, this obsession to know why. I went back to not only figure out the answers to these questions that unceasingly nagged at me, but to also make him want me again — something I so desperately needed to feel. Of course I know this is a fruitless and pathetic pursuit — to seek out validation from someone who is clearly undeserving of my respect and love.
And, as might be expected, after going back to him, my obsessive need to know why he did this to me only worsened; now I needed to have full control over everything he did, without him knowing. And thus, my own personal experiment was born. I knew him like the back of my hand — and now especially that my eyes were suddenly open to his lies and deceits. So I started to test him, for the first time ever. I would watch his body language and his responses to different situations. I would go through his phone whenever possible, collecting evidence and background information to compare to his stories and to see how easily and how well he could lie.
What I found out is that he’s a very skilled liar and manipulator. He was constantly messaging other women daily and meeting up with them. But I continued to stay with him; I wanted to see more and how it would all play out.
There was this particularly young girl whom he had been sexting for awhile and was clearly trying to sleep with. The night before he was planning to see her, he had let it slip that he had a Thursday routine where he would meet up with her and her friends at a bar to drink.
Thursday came along and he was being extra affectionate through text. He never asked me what my plans were that day or thought to tell me what he was planning to do. And I didn’t ask either; I already knew his intentions and so tried to play it cool. Evening came and he let me know that he was out with work buddies. When I asked if he was going to his friends bar, he said, “I dunno yet,” when in reality he very well knew that he was planning to go, if he wasn’t there already. I said, “Well if you want some pretty ladies to join you just message me,” he replied with “sure.” 10:30pm that night I msg him, to no avail; of course I could’ve randomly showed up at the bar, but I didn’t.
The next morning he emailed me from work; turns out he had left his phone at the bar. He was being extra affectionate because, I assumed, guilt had eventually begun to sink in. Later that night when he was passed out I went through his phone. And, to my lack of surprise, it turns out he had cheated. I found messages between him and this girl; they were planning where to meet up and decided on the abandoned part of the building they were in; kissing was involved and maybe oral too. She told him she wanted to fuck and he replied that he wanted the same. Yet to my surprise, they didn’t and went home instead. Of course all of this was hard to read, but it was nowhere near as shocking as the first time when I was entirely blindsided. This time, I had read the signs and patterns; I had fully expected it. And I still stayed with him.
I stayed because my interest had grown and I wanted to see how far he would go with this. I also wanted to test out a plan: could I smother him with so much love that he would quit playing around with other girls? Or would he just continue to take advantage of me and whore around with no guilt or remorse? I needed to know. So I gave him all my love and attention, and I waited.
We hung out all the time; he was constantly lonely and asking me to hang out. One particular night we went to the gym. And while we worked out in separate rooms, I could see that he was glued to his phone, texting incessantly. We left the gym and went to the grocery store where still he continued to text. Then we went home and the texting didn’t wane. He did, however make sure to simultaneously shower me with love and affection. I could tell that the girl he was texting had other guys at her disposal and that he was fighting for her attention; I could sense it.
Then nighttime came and I knew it was my chance; he had been drinking, and it’s always in his deepest, drunkest sleep that I feel safe enough to look through his phone. And what I found out continued to unsurprise me: he had been texting her daily — at times when he wasn’t even replying to me. I read conversations where he would deny to other people that we were together. And then I finally said fuck it. Why am I doing this to myself if it’s only embarrassing me? I already know he is a heartless piece of shit; why am I wasting my time??
It’s now abundantly clear to me that boys do not magically change out of thin air. When you go back someone who has cheated on you, you are basically telling them you are a door mat to be stepped on. You are telling them, “yes, go ahead and cheat on me again, because chances are I’ll crack and come back to you as always.” And it’s hard to blame them; why would a guy not take full advantage of someone who is allowing him to have his cake and eat it too?
And finally, some truths about guys to always remember:
- Boys will never change their ways.
- They literally think with their dicks.
- Your feelings are not a priority to them.
- Trust your intuition; it is always right!
- Never give your all. Protect yourself or else they will use and abuse you.
- Make them fucking work for it.
- Never settle!
- Never blame the side chick. If your man is truly committed, he would never stray.
- Love yourself because no one else will love you better!