25 Things You Should Never Say To Your Girlfriend

I talk a lot. The sheer volume of words that I use means that invariably, I am going to say something very, very stupid. I have collected some of the most moronic, wrongheaded things I’ve ever said to a woman, plus a few complete fabrications. Let me know which ones you think are fake in the comments!

1. You look fat in that dress.

2. I invited my ex-girlfriend to a social engagement. She really wants to meet you.

3. I can’t afford to get you anything for your birthday. Can I get a rain check on that?

4. I have to stay late at work tonight.

5. My friends don’t really like you that much.

6. I’m going to get one more drink before we go.

7. Yes, I am sure I can drive. I only had, like six beers.

8. My parents are coming to visit for the weekend.

9. My mom has some wardrobe suggestions for you.

10. No, I don’t really want to watch Law & Order: SVU tonight.

11. I hate dogs.

12. I hate cats.

13. No, seriously. You should meet my ex-girlfriend.

14. That definitely makes you look fat. Please don’t leave the house that way.

15. I’d prefer to not vaccinate our children.

16. Hitler had some good ideas.

17. Let’s go shopping for high-end hammers at the local hammer shoppe.

18. I have a dead body in my closet.

19. The dead body in my closet is my mother, who had some really nasty things to say about your wardrobe last night.

20. At our wedding, I would like to play nothing by Kraftwerk b-sides.

21. My ex-girlfriend and I are having an affair.

22. I’m the guy who started the Fappening.

23. My favorite color is green.

24. I hate cats, and I also hate dogs, but I had three pet lizards, which means my apartment always smells like dusty lizard shit.

25. I forgive Ray Rice. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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Buy Dave Schilling’s ebook, Letters from My Therapist, which he wrote while still single.

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