Pain, past, fear, anxiety, insecurity, and general wonderment don’t just disappear as days turn to weeks, weeks to months, and months to years. Perhaps it’s only for a moment. Maybe it will linger for a dangerously indefinite time. Either way, uncontrollable contemplation has accompanied the coattail our anniversary.
How Have I Not Ruined This Already? Having lasted longer than any previous romantic blunder, I’m genuinely stumped on how we’ve managed to survive. Are you overlooking my neurotic tendencies or ignoring my masochistic urges? Do I really know everything about you and do you genuinely know everything about me or are your slumbering secrets only “right questions” deep? I’ll spend most of my time hoping not and waiting to be wrong.
When Will This Get Boring? Will we eventually sink into the molasses of romantic stability? Staying in for quiet nights and planning weekly Wednesday dates have comfortably become a blanket of security. But will the blanket start to suffocate me? Will the future become as clear as hindsight? The thought alone makes me nauseous.
Am I Still Desirable? In the beginning hands never slept and legs never closed and clothes never stayed on. Now sexuality has slowed and cuddling continues as time has rested our hands. Is this normal? Am I still attractive? Or has the excitement been leaking from our passion since the beginning? God, I hope not.
Are They Really Happy? Am I fulfilling all of the qualifications that make you beyond content? Is this relationship what I’ve hoped for and our cohabitation what you’ve dreamt of? I can see a smile and sense authentic bliss, but what if? What if this is settling or I’m a last resort and my only attribute is defending against loneliness? If I’m not what you want, please leave.
Can We Handle Change? Will the unknown unhinge our caravan of common interests? There’s the possibility our future goals and personal plans and lifetime opportunities could morph into differences neither one of us can ignore. If the unexpected occurs will you be there? Can I give up necessities when courses are altered? Will we ever grow apart through no fault of our own? If we do, I can’t imagine holding any of it against you.
Is This What I Want Forever? Will I grow tired of your touch or just grey with fulfillment? I come home happy now and wake up hopeful now but I’ve seen similar jubilance fade. Promises are washed out of wedding dresses and intentions are dry cleaned from bow-ties far too often for me to be sure. Is my future hidden in your last name? A part of me doesn’t want to know.
Why doesn’t my pain past fear anxiety insecurity and general wonderment just disappear? So I could have stopped ruining my long term relationship with you.