This post was inspired by the novel, This is How You Lose Her, written by one of my all-time favorite authors and writing role model, Junot Diaz. In that book, the protagonist, Junoir (who suspiciously resembles Junot in several, striking ways) explains the mistakes he’s made in past relationships, as if he’s sitting at the bar, conferring his tales to the mixologist.
In that same vein, I present to you 21 surefire ways to lose her. Repeatedly do one or any combination of these and you’ll be sure to end the relationship in no time, or your money back guaranteed.
1. Leave your diary, in which you detail your sexual exploits with other women, out where she can easily find it. If you have feelings for any of her girlfriends, be sure to include that in there, too.
2. . Blog about specific issues in your relationship on Thought Catalog.
3. Share said blog post on your Facebook wall. Tag her.
4. Pretend to be contrite for your behavior but then do the exact same thing the next day.
5. Actively dialog with someone else via text during a dinner date. It doesn’t have to be another woman. It could be a bro for all it matters. When she passive-aggressively mentions it, tell her you just need to send one more message, but continue to text anyway.
6. In fact, laugh while texting another person. When she asks what’s so funny, reply “nothing.”
7. Make a point to gawk at every sexy honey that passes by while in her company.
8. Cheat with a crazy, insecure girl who is sure to reveal your infidelity to her in the most ostentatious way possible. If you’re lucky she’ll write letters in more graphic detail than your diary. Save those letters. You’ll need them soon.
9. When she calls you during Guys Night Out, promise you’ll call her back when you get home. “Forget” to do so.
10. Repeat #9.
11. Nod while she confides something personal to you. Interrupt her with an abrupt “ok” then begin talking about yourself. Make sure what you say is related in no way, shape or form to what she just divulged.
12. When she sends you a 377-word text with her opinion of the state of your relationship, reply “kk” and continue playing Call of Duty.
13. Lie that you are too tired to go out Friday, but then let her catch you at a bar you both frequent that night.
14. Tell her you are going to wait to see a specific movie with her but then tweet your reaction to the film after watching it with friends.
15. Read her text but respond hours later. Even if she replies immediately, do it again. It’s even better if you use WhatsApp or Facebook Messenger, so she can see that you read the text but didn’t respond.
16. Give her an exact time when you plan to call her. Double the amount of time from now until then and call her at that time instead.
17. Don’t buy her anything for her birthday because you genuinely forget what day it was, even though it’s listed on her Facebook profile.
18. After she timidly tries something new during sex, admit that your ex did it better.
19. Ignore her behest to meet your parents.
20. Never EVER text her just to say “good morning” or “good night.”
21. If it gets to the point where she says “I love you” grin like Cheshire the cat and respond, “I know.”
Naturally, on the flipside, if you care anything about maintaining the relationship, then do the opposite of these things. However, if you claim to care about the relationship but find yourself doing them anyway, do not be surprised when she breaks it off with you. It may be brutal.
And do not try to win her back. She’s had enough, kid.