1. Wear a blanket constantly
Looking cute and cozy and endearing, as opposed to wayward and depressed.
2. Always have your hair blown out impeccably
Or in a shower cap or under a scarf for no one elses eyes—there is no in between.
3. Say “oh, honey”
It is a straight up art to “oh, honey” someone and not come off like a condescending evil step mom from the south—it is a grown grandmama art.
4. Judge everyone and everything under your breath
And have everyone make excuses for you and/or heed your wisdom like you’re grandmother willow herself.
5. Not know how to use a smart phone
Because wouldn’t it be great to delete GroupMe and only know the things you need to know about people, instead of everything that everyone at their place of employment has ever said to them?
6. Forget everyone’s name and call them pet names instead
Like “handsome, sweetheart,” you know: all the names that say “I remember your beautiful face, darling, but your name escapes me—can you fetch me a cup of tea?”
7. Wear so much jewelry it’s almost comical
But it’s actually bedazzled and royal as hell.
8. Ask for help with bags
Without feeling like a sad lame.
9. Say “bless your heart”
And mean it.
10. Be a lady who lunches
Not in a useless gossip boring brunch way, but a fun, “let’s look at the useless brunching little brats and cackle at them subtly” way.
11. Say how cold the room is
When it’s completely and totally fine.
12. Read magazines and eat bon bons
With your feet up, and a total awareness of what the hell a bon bon is so that this phrase finally makes sense.
13. Keep up with all “your shows” or “stories”
And openly hate all of the characters you tune in to watch every week.
14. Buy gifts for people for no reason
Especially the ones they don’t want—the socks they need
15. Wear big ass sunglasses
And look chic and worldly instead of hungover.
16. Never drive, like ever
Always the party in the back, never the business in the front.
17. Never work, unless it’s on a passion project
Knitting. All of the knitting.
18. Gossip so hard
…that you’re basically casting spells on your enemies.
19. Have a group of church ladies
Those who quilt together lack guilt together, or something.
20. Talk on the phone for hours
Because you have so many important friends to catch up with, daaaaahhhling.
21. Not care about anything but your own happiness
And making those around you feel loved and scared of your wrath—because isn’t that the most grandma status feeling of all?