21 Grandma Things Girls Secretly Want To Do All The Time

I’m pretty into the idea of aging without really being into aging at all; I want the chic gray bob and effortless air of wisdom without any of the health complications. I want to lose all the people from my life who are just around because we happen to have alcohol or internships or some other frivolous, life-sucking thing in common. I want to age gracefully without actually doing the aging, and I’ve found that my ignorant fantasies about the wonderful world of growing older aren’t so strange at all: a lot of us yearn for the time when we won’t give a single granny damn about anything the youths give aaaaaall their damns to. Here are a few of those grandma things you’d probably love to do on the regular.


1. Wear a blanket constantly

Looking cute and cozy and endearing, as opposed to wayward and depressed.

2. Always have your hair blown out impeccably

Or in a shower cap or under a scarf for no one elses eyes—there is no in between.

3. Say “oh, honey”

It is a straight up art to “oh, honey” someone and not come off like a condescending evil step mom from the south—it is a grown grandmama art.

4. Judge everyone and everything under your breath

And have everyone make excuses for you and/or heed your wisdom like you’re grandmother willow herself.

5. Not know how to use a smart phone

Because wouldn’t it be great to delete GroupMe and only know the things you need to know about people, instead of everything that everyone at their place of employment has ever said to them?

6. Forget everyone’s name and call them pet names instead

Like “handsome, sweetheart,” you know: all the names that say “I remember your beautiful face, darling, but your name escapes me—can you fetch me a cup of tea?”

7. Wear so much jewelry it’s almost comical

But it’s actually bedazzled and royal as hell.

8. Ask for help with bags

Without feeling like a sad lame.

9. Say “bless your heart”

And mean it.

10. Be a lady who lunches

Not in a useless gossip boring brunch way, but a fun, “let’s look at the useless brunching little brats and cackle at them subtly” way.

11. Say how cold the room is

When it’s completely and totally fine.

12. Read magazines and eat bon bons

With your feet up, and a total awareness of what the hell a bon bon is so that this phrase finally makes sense.

13. Keep up with all “your shows” or “stories”

And openly hate all of the characters you tune in to watch every week.

14. Buy gifts for people for no reason

Especially the ones they don’t want—the socks they need

15. Wear big ass sunglasses

And look chic and worldly instead of hungover.

16. Never drive, like ever

Always the party in the back, never the business in the front.

17. Never work, unless it’s on a passion project

Knitting. All of the knitting.

18. Gossip so hard

…that you’re basically casting spells on your enemies.

19. Have a group of church ladies

Those who quilt together lack guilt together, or something.

20. Talk on the phone for hours

Because you have so many important friends to catch up with, daaaaahhhling.

21. Not care about anything but your own happiness

And making those around you feel loved and scared of your wrath—because isn’t that the most grandma status feeling of all? Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Crissy is a writer living and lol’ing in Los Angeles. She’s on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook, for better or worse.

Keep up with Crissy on Twitter and frizzyfilazzo.tumblr.com

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