Early 20s: Keystone or Natty Ice used for beer pong purposes only. We’re basically drinking alcohol water here.
Late 20s: Do you guys want to try this craft beer I brewed in my basement? I used a home brew kit and it’s pretty sweet.
Early 20s: Does this wine have alcohol in it? Yeah? Oh sweet, it’s in a plastic bag. I have to slap the bag…and suck on it like some animal in a cage? Sweet!!!! SLAP. THE. BAAAAAAG!
Late 20s: I refuse to drink a bottle of wine that is less than $10. I am not an animal.
Early 20s: Popov’s, Vladimir’s, Traveler’s Club, Banker’s Club, Stoli: give us your Russians and plastic handle clubs, your tired, your sick. Give us all of the vodka shots, let it enfold us in Vodka Jacket warmth as we brave the wintry walk to different house parties in tee shirts and tight, sleeveless dresses. In Vodka We Trust.
Late 20s: I just can’t drink vodka anymore, it’s so awful! I can’t believe we ever drank it the way we did, LOL! Oh, is that a moscow mule? I do love those. So refreshing.
Early 20s: can u buy a 2 liter of coke? all we have is evan williams and like five mini bar things of Fireball
Late 20s: Every dude’s dating profile ever: “I like good music, good company, and good whiskey.” By the way, anyone wanna go to a whiskey tasting later? I have tickets. I love a good swig of whiskey—I mean, don’t we all? *morphs into a Mad Men character, loses touch with all reality*
Early 20s: SHOTS SHOT SHOTS SHA SHA SHA SHOT SHOTS SHOTS EVERYBODDDDDDY SH—
Late 20s: Shots? No thanks. Ha ha yeah, I know. Shots, shots. I have to get up early tomorrow. Everybody? Okay I guess if I’m the only one not taking a shot I’ll—is this tequila?!
Early 20s: So I just put the salt on my body and then you take the shot from where? Oh, the lime goes in my mouth? I guess. Spring break!
Late 20s: Honestly I haven’t had tequila in forever…the taste alone gives me spring break hotel room vomiting PTSD. If you’re buying shots I’ll do it tho.
Early 20s: Ewwww, I tried one once and it was not nearly as sophisticated as in the movies. Gross. It’s like… straight vodka with an olive in it?
Late 20s: Gin martini please, TWO olives. Dirty martini, please. Dirty as fuck. Martini, please. Martini. Martini. *slurs speech* Maaaaarrrrteeeehhhniiiiiiiiiiiiiizzzzzz.
Early 20s: Hi, bartender. Yeah, it’s my 21st birthday! LOL! So…and…um..can I get a vodka and cranberry drink please? *to friends* Did I do it right?
Late 20s: Vodka soda, please, hold the ice. *looks at 21-year-old toddler ordering a vodka cranberry* Ew. How old is she even?
Early 20s: Gimme that Capt Mo straight into my mouth! No chaser! Got a little captain in you, huh? Hahaha—pirate jokes. Oh man, rum. But not all rum! Malibu tastes like sunscreen! I know! Ho ho ho and a bottle of—
Late 20s: Rum? What are you, five? That shit tastes like sunscreen. Grow up. Whiskey, please. No, not Fireball. If I wanted spiced anything, I’d buy Big Red gum. Fuck off.
Morning after drinking
Early 20s: *texting* yooooooooooo… that was the best party. Did I make out with someone last night? Seriously, have a definite make out vibe going on in my mouth.
Late 20s: *texting* No brunch. No talking. No anything. Netflix. Advil. Close the blinds. Leave me to die.
Early 20s: I don’t get hangovers. I never throw up! It’s weird. Sometimes I feel like shit but then I get a bacon, egg & cheese and I’m good. What are we doing tonight?
Late 20s: Tonight? I’m think I’m going to lay low, actually. I went pretty hard last night. It’s like I can’t drink at all anymore, I just get tired and hungover from nothing. I used to drink all the time. Like every night. Damn, Was I an alcoholic? ….Nahhhhh! Cheers!