33 Paranoid Thoughts You Will Have At The Gynecologist
1. “Why are there so many magazines about motherhood? Well, I guess that’s obvious. But Jesus. I guess I’ll read US Weekly?”
2. “Wow, Jessica Simpson looks really good post-pregnancy. Is reading this here insensitive? Why can’t I escape pregnancy?”
3. “Oh my God, is the universe sending me signs?”
4. “Am I pregnant?”
5. “No, I can’t be pregnant. I just had my period and I haven’t had sex since. But—”
6. “I could be pregnant but I am pretty sure I am not pregnant, but that’s what they always say on that show where people didn’t know they were pregnant. Am I going to give birth in a restaurant bathroom?”
7. “Stop thinking about pregnancy. Stop thinking about pregnancy. Stop thinking abo—”
*Door opens, head turns, sees pregnant woman enter the waiting room*
8. “Maybe one pregnant lady is a sign that I am definitely not pregnant. Phwew. Anyway—”
*Gets called into exam room, nurse gives you directions on disrobing and waiting for the Gyno*
9. “Someone is going to walk in and see me naked, someone is going to walk in and see me naked, ohMyGodWhyDidIWearSoManyFuckingLAYERS?!”
10. “Oh cool, a napkin snuggie to put on my body.”
11. “My bare ass is going on that chair.”
12. “There is essentially a long piece of tissue paper separating my naked body and exposed vagina from this leather exam chair, where at least 500 vaginas have been before.”
13. “Can you catch an STD at the gynecologist?”
*You start thinking of every way you’ve ever learned you can catch an STD*
14. “They’re going to find something, they’re going to find something, and I’m going to have six months to live.”
15. “I need to write my will.”
16. “Calm down, you don’t have an STD, you haven’t even had sex in forever”
17. Or if you’re a virgin: “I know somehow I have an STD. I wonder if sitting in that public restroom last week gave me an STD.”
*Gyno takes blood pressure, asks for you to open your mouth for the tongue depressor*
18. “I need to stop making out with people. The tongue is the dirtiest part of the body. They’re going to find something.”
*Gyno says to sit back and relax*
19. “What is she/he thinking about my vagina right now?”
20. “Is my vagina pretty? I don’t even know what one looks like from that perspective.”
21. “I mean, I don’t want he/she to like my vagina. But like is it in the 90th percentile or—”
*Gyno says to take a breath, “this might feel a little cold”*
22. “Um, ouch? Okay. Fine. That feels weird, but fine. Cold. Think of normal things…think of not having a metal instrument inside your vagina, think of—”
23. “Is that a fucking cartoon on the ceiling? What the fuck?”
24. “I get the intention here, but what the fuck? At least put a comic strip or something, something with a story, something distracting. What is he/she doing right now? “Checking” what, exactly?”
25. “Wait— is my vagina too big? Too small? Should this hurt less? Oh my god, should it hurt more? Should I act like this is more painful? What is she DOING down there?!”
*Gyno finishes the exam, starts shuffling papers around and talking about various tests and asking if you need anything else, all while saying “everything looks good”*
26. “Should I ask for more tests? How many are there? Should I ask what “good” means? They would say something, right? Does “good” mean “non-life-threatening” or “cute?’”
27. “I’m not pregnant…but should I ask if maybe I’m pregnant?”
28. “Maybe I’ll ask for more Guardasil. Just to be safe. Like a re-up.”
29. “Well no, that’s irrational and more importantly, that shot really fucking hurt.”
30. “Does everyone have HPV? Should I ask if I do? They’d say something, right?”
*Asks about HPV, gets answer that basically says “we don’t even test for all of it because everyone has some of it” and the gyno leaves like “have a great day!”*
31. “Huh. I guess I feel….better?”
32. “Eh, nope. This entire invasive yet biologically necessary experience fucking sucks and it is bullshit that men never have to deal with this.”
*You put on your clothes, proceed to exit, and see a pamphlet about talking to men about prostate cancer on the way out*
33. “Oooh, I guess they do have to get their ass fingered by a stranger. Huh. Sucks.” 