1. You’re constantly being told to chill. You say, “I am!” and what you really want to say is, “….yeah, how?”
2. When you see something you like on the street—a puppy, a baby, a pair of nice shoes in a window, a sexy slice of hot pizza—you “ooo0o0o0oooohhh!” audibly. You try to sort of mutter the exclamations of total awe and excitement under your breath, but your friends walking next to you are still like “oh not again” as they drag you away.
3. When you like someone, you overthink every single pause in the texting flow between the two of you. What are they writing? Your worst nightmare is the dreaded “i have a question” text, followed by those ominous grey “I’m typing some real shit” dots of doom. (The other person usually asks something totally anticlimactic and then your heart rate goes down, for once.)
4. You text back immediately, or at least you want to, but you know that you shouldn’t (according to the copy of How To Be Chill that everyone seems to have—maybe yours got lost in the mail)? So you spend a cool 2 minute interval not answering every text, thinking about whether or not you should just answer now or wait even longer.
5. When you’re seeing someone new, you tell your friends about them as if that new person is relevant to your friends’ everyday lives. Your friend will order a Coke and you’ll be like, “haha, weird, _____ loves Coke!” It’s not weird. A lot of people love Coke. But you want it to be weird so you can bring them up for the fifth time that day.
6. You love talking on the phone so when people are like, “oh can I just call you?” it’s a cause for a major celebration.
7. You have to remind yourself to wait like, at least three estimated rings before answering the phone. If it were up to you, people could just dial you up and reach your brain. Direct connection. Telepathy for days.
8. You’ve been in that movie-style situation of being on the phone with someone you like and mouthing “oh my god!” to your friend as that someone talks, but you got so into the “oh my god!” silent mouthing that you got distracted and didn’t realize that someone had stopped talking and then they’re like “hello?” and you accidentally go “HEY HI I’M HERE HAHA WHAT?” You know, like sanity and stuff.
9. Sending two texts in a row? Never. LOL. Why would you do that when you can triple, quadruple, and quintuple text? YOU HAVE THINGS TO SAY AND YOU CANNOT LET THEM STAY INSIDE YOUR BRAIN.
10. YOU TYPE LIKE THIS A LOT.
11. You use keyboard spasms as a response to news. Example: your friend texts you, “I’m engaged!” You respond, “!!!1!!!11!!!!!!!“”
12. You blurt out things without any control. There is nothing smooth in how you confess your feelings. It just hits you and suddenly you’re saying, “I really like you. Like, yeah. I mean. It’s not a big deal! Unless you want it to be a big deal?” *nervous laughter that goes on for too long*
13. You are not: breezy, a go-with-the-flow kind of person, relaxed at all times, a peaceful kind of human that floats through life untouched by neuroticism and anxiety.
14. You are: emotional, caring, enthusiastic, generally excited to be alive, a person who others would say is, “super fun but really weird,” anxious, a lot like that dog in the ‘90’s commercials about loving bacon.
15. You will respond to a simple compliment about something basic like your hair with, “really? Wow why? That’s so weird I felt like it looked kind of off today—” Then you feel really stupid because they said your hair looked nice and now you’re asking them to co-write a novel with you about why your hair is nice.
16. You manage varying levels of stress and worry and self-doubt and it is pretty much your trifecta sweet spot of both doom and peace.
17. You feel like you and Drake and Ellen DeGeneres and Taylor Swift and The Rock and Nicki Minaj and Kanye could all hang out and be like, “yeah, I do feel strongly about that. That is exciting to me. Definitely. I would throw a phone to prove a point, maybe.” And someone would cry and all of you would understand and all would be right with the world.
18. You make weird comments at weirdly, undefinably inappropriate times. Like, you’ll be hooking up with someone and stop to be like, “Wow, you have such healthy hair, what is that? Like, so, so shiny! And strong!”
19. You don’t want to have chill, because in the end, you feel like isn’t about the number of breaths you take, but the number of moments that take your chill away.~* Which is, to be fair, most of your moments.