1. Smelling like chlorine 24/7
Chlorine is the herpes of the sports scent world. You can never get rid of it. If your significant other hates the smell, you’re going to break up. Everything you own, your skin, your hair, your car: all one big chlorine-scented candle.
2. Your hair turning into white fur
Wearing a cap, slicking on conditioner, and defending your hair like the holy grail in general won’t stop chlorine from screwing it up and depriving it of all life. At worst, your hair will lose pigment, become mad soft, and fall out like dog fur. On guys, this can actually be mad cute in an Anderson Cooper sort of way, I think.
3. Your eyebrows falling out, basically
Chlorine will also give you a kind of full body wax after a while, including your brows. Fun!
4. Having to say the word ‘breaststroke’
Everyone is immature and everyone will laugh at you all the time always.
5. People treating you like a sub-athlete because you don’t throw a ball
Swimming has been touted as the best workout one can get and one of the most difficult endurance-based activities, but no, football wins every time.
6. People assuming you can do every cool dive
I can dive, and I might be able to do cool ones, but I am not about to jump off of that high dive and do a twist thing for you assholes. I am a human being.
7. Pool parties in general
“This isn’t fun for me, I live in the water, I feel like I should be doing drills and flip turns, someone please get me out of here, where is my beer?”
Swimmers are horny af, hornier than the horniest band geeks. All this water and we’re still thirsty. We’re hot and half naked, can you blame us? Everyone ends up hooking up and it makes sharing lanes all too weird.
9. Everyone’s sudden interest in swimming when the summer Olympics roll around
Weird, no one even knew how many laps were in a 500 until this week, and now I get to hear everyone’s astute observations about the Italian guy who “lost by a touch.” It’s called “getting touched out,” okay? Whatever.
10. The urge to wear your pants conspicuously lower than everyone else
Swimmers wanna show dat V ;) The muscle-lines under your hipbones, that is. I don’t know why we wear our pants mid-thigh during meets, but it kind of makes us want to do it all the time.
11. Being made the unpaid lifeguard/teacher
Sure, I’ll spend three hours at this 4th of July party making sure no child dies. No, I wasn’t planning on having any fun.
12. Showers, endless showers
Shower before getting in the pool. Rinse off after. Shower when you get home. Shower again the next morning for school. Go to practice. Repeat, rinse, repeat.
13. People thinking you give a fuck about Michael Phelps
Please stop bringing him into my life. I am so sick of his dumb face. Ryan Lochte too. Just shut up.
14. Lane. Lines.
“Who’s going to put them in? I just did yesterday. FRESHMEEEEEN!”
15. Not being nearly naked
Honestly, clothes are so annoying. Pants are the worst. I’ve seen all of my teammates’ nipples. Let’s all just take our clothes off forever.