1. “I’m dead inside.”
No. You aren’t. This is sometimes funny, but people usually use some variation of saying they “don’t have feelings” as a cop out of being emotionally mature or understanding personal responsibility. You sound like a character in a bad Zach Braff movie. Put a cigarette in your mouth and write about it, stop making everyone listen to your insufferable lukewarm excuses.
2. “I don’t know how to talk to guys/girls.”
You’re not a teenager with a LiveJournal full of Dashboard Confessional lyrics and musings about your feelings. You are an adult. Stop saying that you don’t know how to do something that you’ve literally been practicing your entire life. It’s not true, and even if it were, it wouldn’t be cute or endearing.
3. “I’m just really sarcastic.”
It is 2014. We are all, to some degree, very sarcastic, savvy, sardonic, and full of an undying and totally disorienting appetite for irony and sincerity. Your ~cool sense of detached humor~ isn’t special anymore. Everyone is rolling their eyes at you when you identify as being sooooo sarcastic, and they aren’t doing it sarcastically.
4. “You probably wouldn’t *get* it, but…”
Right, because you are the authority on the intelligence and awareness of everyone around you. Tell us more.
5. “I studied that in college so I feel like-“
You spent four years getting introduced to a subject. You are not an expert. You are not a doctor, a lawyer, an author, or any other fully formed authority at all. Stop pointing out your education in regular conversations. Just drop the identifier and say whatever you were going to say. It has the same amount of relevance with or without your humble brag.
6. “I’m nothing like my parents.”
Maybe you really aren’t. Sure. So why do you feel the need to tell people that? Saying this is the conversational equivalent of yelling “screw you Mom and Dad!” as you slam your bedroom door.
7. “I listen to everything but country.”
Again, even if this is true, it is such a tired self-identifying tick that makes you sound like a smug asshole who thinks that entire genres are below you. Just say what you do enjoy.
8. “I tried going vegan, now I’m doing paleo.”
Why do you act like we were all anxiously waiting for an update on what exactly you are shoving into your mouth and digesting this week? Eating to live is not interesting. We all do it and we could all say 2,000 words on it every single day, but we do not. Why? Because it is the plain oatmeal of things you could talk about. You can add fun tidbits to make it less boring, sure, but it everyone will always prefer to talk about something else.
9. “Fitness is the most important part of my life #fitfam #lifestyle”
There’s nothing else in this world that matters even a little bit more than having a flat stomach? Your family? Your friends? The pursuit of a more conscious existence in more ways than just the corporeal? No? Okay. Whatever. Just show me how to do more effective squats.
10. “I love pizza more than *insert literally anything else here*”
We. All. Love. Pizza. The end. At this point, professing your love for pizza in every conversation, status update, and even as a slogan on your tee shirts is like saying that you’re super into breathing. It’s just embarrassingly obvious.
11. “I’m more of a whiskey guy myself.”
You’re not Don Draper and I am not Peggy Olson. We like whiskey and it doesn’t make us a special kind of people. It just makes us people who enjoy alcohol. Cheers.
12. “I like their older stuff.”
There are a lot of musicians, directors, and creators in general who I was a bigger fan of when they were less popular. But to say it in this specific way that asserts that you’re somehow special for thinking the contrary of whatever the other person just said about that artist’s recent work is just…gross. It really is. You could pick your nose in front of me and I would find it less off-putting. Really. (Maybe. Just don’t do either, okay?)
13. “Oh, so you don’t know _____?”
Why do you have to frame this question as if the person you’re talking to should know everything that you know? Maybe they do know, but they just aren’t enough of a cocky jerk to have thrown it out there like you did.
14. “I hate the Internet.”
LOL. Sure. Right. I’m sure you hate every single luxury that you enjoy, too, since most of them rely almost entirely on the Internet to serve you in an efficient manner. But whatever. Go live in the woods and leave the rest of us alone, then. We’ll be here streaming whatever TV show or movie we want and ordering delicious food on Seamless while we read a particularly entertaining Reddit thread, crying over how much the Internet has harmed our social skills. Bet.
15. “I wish we lived in the 1950’s/60’s/70’s.”
Sexism. Racism. Homophobia. Shorter life spans. Illness. Poor infrastructure. The onset of suburban sprawl. But men wore suits and women wore dresses, OMG! So jealous!
16. “I’m still sooooo close with all my college friends, we’re like family!!!”
Please spare me the same ten stories about freshman year. We get it. You loved college. You have friends from college. So did we and so do we, but we’re not trying to alienate literally everyone else.
17. “I’m just a classy person.”
This phrase typically can be found leaving the mouth of someone who you will one day watch vomit in public.
18. “I give zero fucks.”
And no one gives a fuck that you don’t give a fuck.
19. “I don’t even own a TV.”
Bet you own some sort of technology that features a screen which lets you view the things you want to view, though, so you are exactly the same as everyone else. Congratulations.
20. “I just like weird things! I don’t know. I’m quirky-“
Just stop. Just get bangs or shave the sides of your head and purchase vintage glasses and then don’t say this, it will get the same message across in the end.
21. “Not to be a dick, but-“
You’re still a dick.
22. “I’m not racist, but-“
Whatever you are about to say is definitely racist.
23. “I’m a nice guy.”
Could write 1000 words on this alone, but for the sake of brevity: if you actually say this about yourself on a regular basis, know that everyone thinks you’re an asshole. Your parents. Your professors. Your boss. Your dog. Everyone.