1. “I…like you. Like a lot.”
What, that’s not the same thing? It’s a four letter word. Do the math. We’ve thought about the difference between ‘like’ and ‘love’ for at least 387 hours at this point, so it’s only fair.
2. “You have to watch/listen to this show/movie/song…it’s my favorite.”
*Looks at you intensely the entire time and hopes you get the hint because this movie/show/song is actually just one giant representation of my feelings…wait…why aren’t you paying attention? Stop texting! Damnit. This did not go as planned.*
3. “I’ve never said ‘I love you’ to anyone but my family and actually meant it.”
I’m basically handing you the final rose from ‘The Bachelor’ with this one, which is probably a poor analogy because overthinkers do not watch that show because it is far too anxiety-ridden for us to handle.
4. “I feel like, if either of us was into having feelings or whatever, then maybe we’d be together. LOL but we’re dead inside right?”
As long as we keep this sarcastic and cynical and full of the dark humor that I’ve worked so hard to use as a shield for my true feelings, no one can get hurt, right? Right?!
5. “I can’t stop thinking about you– what you said about Game of Thrones. How do you not watch Game of Thrones?”
I wanted to say that I think about you more than I think about eating or sleeping or anything else in the entire world, really, but then I saw that look of uncertainty on your face, so I cleverly distracted you with this fun topical reference! Smooth, I know.
6. “I miss…your parents.”
Because that’s not weird at all and maybe you’ll invite me to go home with you one weekend? I don’t know. Where is the emergency exit in this building? This is an emergency. I need an exit.
7. “I have to tell you something…” followed by a stuttering and underwhelming statement.
At first, you may have thought they were going to tell you something horrible, like they had cancer or were moving across the country. Or maybe you had your hopes up for it to be good. Alas, we overthinkers will never think of a good follow up for this moment. At worst, it will involve food in some way, like “…I really want to get burritos tomorrow.” Which will be true, but will make us seem completely inept.
8. “What are you thinking about right now?”
Does it rhyme with olive juice? Or sound like the beginning of a long-term relationship? Will it change my life? Can you just please be thinking that right now? Because I am thinking about it all the time.
9. “What…what is it…is there something on my face?”
WhyareyoulookingatmewhatiswrongareyougoingtosayitOhMyGodOhMyGodOhMyGod. Oh, I have an eyelash? Tight.
10. “You’re my favorite.”
Just like strawberry ice cream. If you were an ice cream flavor, you would be my favorite one. Get it? I’m saying I want to spend every waking moment with you. Just like I want to do with ice cream.
11. “Wanna get married? Ha. Ha. Jk jk jk.”
LOL. Us?! Together?! That would be hilaaaaarious! Wow. Is it maybe funny because it’s so true? JK JK JK.
12. “I love…that you just said that.”
I really do love that you just said that, but I hate that I just said this.
13. “I wish you were here right now…because I ordered too much Chinese food.”
Want to help me finish all of this takeout and then discuss our undying love for each other? Oh, just the takeout then? That’s cool. I got dumplings.
14. “What?” *Waits for your response* “…Oh.”
You said “pass the ketchup” but I heard “I will love you forever, you beautiful creature that is the object of all of my deepest affections.” I should really get that checked.
15. In a drunk text: “haha I love yuo so much.” In a sober text the next day: “damn I was so drunk last night that I sent 30 people the same weird text haha sorry if I texted you, I don’t know because all of my texts got deleted, weird.”
What’s really weird is that my voicemails were sent out in mass quantities too, so don’t listen to that. No, just delete it. Please.
16. “Want to know a secret?”
Followed by something painfully obvious or strangely limiting, like “you’re my best friend. I love…being…friends.”
17. Complete and total uncomfortable silence.
Maybe if I just wait two more minutes, it will be easier. Or you’ll say it. Say it….now. Okay…or now. Maybe in two more minutes. I’ll wait. Forever. Goddamnit.