1. Be super nice to all your friends.
Ah, the classic ‘kill them with kindness’ move to end them all. Is there anything worse than when your friend, who hated your ex when you were actually together, mentions that they saw your ex out the other night and they were being “actually really nice?” If your friends don’t immediately recognize this switch in behavior as an emotional terrorist tactic, then don’t call those people your friends anymore.
2. Introduce themselves to your other exes.
Suddenly it seems you’re in a bad version of John Tucker Must Die, doesn’t it? You’re convinced they’re planning something, because last time you checked, they hated each other and had nothing in common besides you.
3. ‘Like’ all the worst pictures of you on social media.
Thank you for liking that picture of me from freshman year where my eyes are closed and I’m sitting underneath a giant bag of Cheetos. That was very, very cordial of you. Not weird at all.
4. ‘Like’ and comment on any group picture you’re in.
For some reason, you just don’t need your ex to comment on your group vacation photos to say that it’s “cute!” or “looks like so much fun!” You don’t care, and you especially don’t want them to start showing up to any of those places.
5. Subtweet you with ~positive vibes~
“Just had the most wild night out. Best night ever. So ready to go hiking tomorrow and then do it all again! #HappiestIveEverBeen”
6. Say congratulations and “happy birthday!” a day after it actually happens.
Never is better than late, actually.
7. Wear your clothes and gifts around like they don’t remember where they came from.
“Oh, this XXL lacrosse jersey is yours? Wow, I had no idea. Thought it was someone else’s…hmmmm.”
8. Become a fan of all the things that you tried to introduce them to.
They never liked that band, movie, website, or even that stupid video of the baby monkey taking a bath that you tried to get them to watch two months back. Why have they suddenly turned into a connoisseur of your personal tastes? It feels like a House of Cards style mind-fuck, except for you’re Zoe Barnes and they’re the goddamned train.
9. Steal all of your best spots and bring new people to them.
You told them about the cheap sushi place. You brought them to the cheap sushi place. They loved the cheap sushi place, and now the cheap sushi place has become the overcrowded, ex and their friends minefield sushi place.
10. Show up to ‘public’ events that they were clearly only invited to when you were a couple.
Yeah, the invitation to this small show for your best friend’s band in a dive bar basement was not open just because it was on Facebook. But here we are.
11. Wish your family well on every occasion they possibly can.
You thought your Dad would be fine without your ex writing on his wall to say “congrats on the new job!” but apparently, your ex was just super proud of him. That, or your ex lacks any sense of boundaries whatsoever. Whatever works.
12. Use all your slang and inside jokes in ways that don’t even make sense.
It’s weird that the Game of Thrones quote you guys used to use to joke around about food delivery is now being used as a hashtag on selfies of them in traffic, but sure, I guess #WinterIsComing.
13. Ask you to ‘catch up.’
The. Worst. Ever. This is the most evil of them all. It’s the bad ask, it’s the most casual thing a person could ever say to you while really meaning “wanna meet up so that I can make you feel bad about yourself and everything that ever happened between us by making little comments while I stir my coffee?” No. You are not going to catch up. You don’t need to catch anything. They just need to catch the next plane, train, bus, or slow moving domesticated livestock out of your life. The end. (Hopefully).