1. Weird hookup stories that resulted in mortifying moments for everyone involved. Whether it’s a dude unsuccessfully trying to pull a move he saw in a porn once or a terrible noise in the middle of the act, these secret stories are shared amongst best friends until they become one word inside jokes. These jokes, however, will never make it out of the group text or the bathroom at the party. They are not meant to see the light of day. No one needs to hear about the time that guy actually spit on your mouth or the time you bit your ex’s lip so hard he started to bleed. No one but your best friends, who can laugh at it when you can’t.
2. Stories of teenage antics that probably include shoplifting. I’m convinced that 1 in every 4 girls has a shoplifting story from their youth that they still think and feel guilty about at least once a month. Maybe you once went balls to the wall in H&M when you were sixteen and you truly believe that every time you hear sirens, it’s the cops coming to bring you to justice for that $68 mistake. Or more than likely, your shoplifting was more of a shop-sliding of something super small and stupid into your bag. Why does something as simple as having slipped a Chapstick into your pocket at Borders make you feel so bad? You don’t know, but you don’t want anyone but your best friends knowing about it.
3. The bizarre crush you have on an authority figure in your life. Your creative writing professor is weird, middle-aged, can’t dress to save his life, and is also incredibly hot. He gives you Clooney vibes, even though he is no Clooney. You don’t need anyone but your friends to know that you have this weird crush, because then everyone is going to look at you like some sort of DILF-hunter. Plus, this old guy could never know that you’re interested. Right? Yeah, you need your friends to slap that “right” into the side of your head.
4. The worst thing you ever did when you were wasted. So you threw up on a church, no big deal, right? Maybe not. Or maybe you peed on the floor of a fraternity basement and someone saw and you ran away, never to be known as the frat-party pisser, thank the sweet lord. We all black out and do stupid things, and sometimes we remember those things and need to confess them to someone. I’m not Catholic, but I always liked to see my friends as my own personal receivers of my drunk sins. Come to think of it, it would actually be nice if I could have them sit behind a screen while I tell them. Maybe I’ll pitch that at our next Wiccan spell circle.
5. That one wild thing you did on vacation. Family vacations are boring as hell when you’re a teenager and, especially if the destination was a tropical island, they can sometimes only be improved with some buck-wild antics that take place while your family sleeps. Spring break is obviously the perfect venue for these events as well. We’ve all done things that fall under the “what happens in that place stays in that place” umbrella. However, that umbrella does not cover the small part that falls outside of it, which is to tell your best friends about it. If you’re lucky, your number 4 and number 5 are one in the same. But if they aren’t, then congratulations. You’re fun as hell. Do you, girl.
6. Completely bizarre theories about your reproductive system. I’ve had friends tell me stories about how they ‘definitely miscarried once’ that would give you chills, only because how incredibly stupid their assumptions are. At some point in our lives, our sex education and better judgement leave us entirely and let our panicked minds run wild. We convince ourselves of pregnancies, strange ailments, and chronic conditions that don’t exist. I’ve missed one period and confessed to my friends that I was ‘definitely sterile’ and that I would never know the joy of motherhood. We need to tell our friends about these secret crazy ideas, because if we didn’t, we might never know that we’re actually totally fine. Insane, but fine.
7. The fact that you were obsessed with that guy. When I was 19, I was fully head-over-heels in love and obsessed with my best friend. He had a girlfriend. Thank God I had my girlfriends too. He had no idea and he will never have any idea, because I told my friends about it every day instead of telling him. I stalked him on every social media avenue I could possibly find. I told them everything he told me, and they reminded me to check myself. Thankfully, my obsession eventually died and we remained friends. But without my friends, I probably would’ve ruined multiple relationships and ended up with a tattoo of his name on my ankle or something. Luckily, in a world where best friends exist, we’ll never have to know.