10 Things Guys Love In Girlfriends (And 10 Things They Hate)

I know you're gonna get upset with this.

Updated 10 years ago, October 30, 2014

Hey, I’m just a normal guy here. I may have my peculiarities, but I think I speak for most of my sex. So here’s the low-down:

Things we love

1. Smooth, unblemished skin

It’s an aphrodisiac. We can’t help it. We love to touch your bodies, stroke and caress you… for days…

2. Long, silky hair that’s not dyed or over-bleached

…or caked with greasy hair products, either. Just naturally-washed and towel-dried. We love to run our fingers through it. It soothes us.

3. Large, beautiful eyes with no mascara

I, for one, prefer natural lashes because I love to kiss them, especially when you’ve dozed off. A lot of guys are like me, I’m sure.

4. Lack of emotional resistance

We’re in it for the pleasure and totally turned-off by any emotional boundaries from you. Why throw up roadblocks? That includes red lines on penetration, as well. We’d rather just get up and leave.

5. Warm, clean breath

Kissing is an art, and for that, you need a fresh canvas. No taste of smoke or wine… anything really. It ruins the moment. Worse is taste of toothpaste or breath mints. Ewe!

6. Quietness

Nothing pleases us more than virtual silence. We don’t talk a lot and prefer you don’t either.

7. Closeness of body, when sitting or sleeping together

The feel of you next to us is the most reassuring experience imaginable.

8. Hairless

I know this sounds crass, but that’s most guys. We were bred on Playboy and that’s just the way it is. I’m referring to down below, in particular. But it’s the same under-the-arms. Any hair at all in either place is a turn-off for us.

9. Speech etiquette

It gives you class and we definitely appreciate that. Hey, we get enough four-letter words from our buddies and I’ll admit, all us guys do it. But we don’t want to hear it from you. Hey, we were bred on super heroes, as well. And deep in the minds of all us guys is that mythical princess.

10. Faithfulness, at least for the time being

Let’s face it, there’s no such thing as complete fidelity. It’s not natural, especially for guys. But for the time we’re together, in a relationship so to speak, we want to know you’re exclusively ours. Once we get a sense you’re not, it’s over. Period.

Now, here’s the hard part. And I know you’re gonna get upset with this. Temps pis, as the French say.

Things we hate:

1. Loud, pushy females who feel they have to compete

Not only with females, but with us, too. You don’t have to prove anything. Just be there.

2. Clingy females

If you’re that needy, go back to daddy.

3. Bad complexion

…which means either poor diet or overactive hormones, and there are treatments for that.

4. Fat

Most of us guys are repulsed by it. Even a touch of it. I know that sounds cruel but it usually boils down to low self esteem. Overeating is usually the result or just being clueless about good eating habits. I, myself, work out hard at the gym and keep myself trim and fit. I expect the same from my girlfriends. Even if guys don’t always keep fit, they expect you to. I know there are a few guys who like a little plumpness. But as far as I’m concerned, they’re the exception. Most of us crave slenderness. Well, you knew that already, didn’t you?

5. Bad breath

It’s usually caused by lack of oral hygiene, smoking or spicy foods. There are ways to control it. Read up on it. It’s a major turn-off for us. And it usually comes along with yellowed teeth which is a further repulsion.

6. Other hygiene problems

We all have natural odors but if we keep our bodies clean, fresh smells are actually an aphrodisiac, especially after bathing. But face it, our bodies–males and females–are different. You wouldn’t like smelling our rank pits, putrid prives and head cheese. What makes you think we’re any different? Worse is trying to cover it up with deodorants and perfumes. Face it, it’s a question of mutual respect, don’t you think? Lax hygiene is a problem with only a few of you, though.

7. Hoses

I hate them and I think most guys do. Whoever invented them should have been guillotined. They have to be the least sexy thing in the world. A little time in the sun or self-bronzing creams should be sufficient. Nothing is more of a turn-off than when you’re hot for her and you have to sit there while she de-hoses. Maybe that’s just me but I’m thinking it’s most guys.

8. Lipstick

It’s there because you’re hoping to make yourself more desirable. Sad. It may be an instant eye-catcher for guys but it’d better be wiped off before getting into bed. Nothing’s more of a turn-off than having to deal with that then. BTW, it’s made, I’m told, with crushed bugs. Yuck! Oh, and bright red is no longer sexy. Didn’t you know that? It’s only found today in stark fashion pics. It’s out!

9. The smell of fish

All right, I said it. But deal with it. It’s a turn off for ALL guys unless they’re mentally deranged. As I said, I keep myself clean. I expect the same from my girlfriends and I know that goes for all guys because I constantly hear about it. There’s a joke… The blind Frenchman is walking past the fish market and says: “Bonjour, madame.”

10. And lastly, and this is going to sound really gross, but if you’ve read this far, you might as well hear the worst

Anything unusual in the private area is a major OMG, I’m gonna barf! I’m talking about growths of any kind. It’s treatable either medically or surgically. Once I was with this girl and I was down there in the dark and loving every minute of it. Her arm happened to swing up and flick the light on and to my horror, I found myself in a virtual bed of hidden mushrooms. I thought I was gonna die. It was a good five years before I went down there again. And that’s something I really love doing. Don’t ever want to go there like that again. And that’s definitely ALL of us guys, unquestionably!

Hey, you can bitch and scream and write all sorts of nasty comments in response if you want. I’m just being truthful. I know there are some guys who are exceptions but most of us feel this way. So deal with it, contessa!