I know I’m not good at being vulnerable.
Trust me; my inability to properly expression my feelings and my aversion to sincerity has bitten me in the ass more than once. I know it can be frustrating to be with someone who struggles with even mustering an, “I like you too,” and who shies away from all things sweet and sentimental.
I’m not good at expressing what’s on my mind with the assistance of a keyboard and spellcheck and approximately several days of mulling over the proper synonyms and adverbs and phrasing that I want to use.
What I’m saying is, I’m not good at this part. The vulnerable part. The part done with clothes on and hearts out and exposed soft spots and no humor to deflect.
But even though I can never be serious for more than a few seconds and I have a tendency to make a face when confronted with even the simplest sign of raw emotion, I need you to know this.
You do. You matter to me. You’re important. I might not be able to properly convey what you are to me yet or say, “Hey I’m glad you’re in my life,” and do so without cringing at myself, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t made an impression.
You matter. You matter to me.
Beside the oh-so-charming impossible to read and terrified of being open part of me, there’s something else you should know.
You’ll be in my thoughts and on my mind and in my heart for probably ever now. In some capacity, I will always care about you. Maybe it’ll be in a big, life-shattering kind of way, or maybe it will be softer, quieter, more simplistic. But it’ll be there. It’ll linger in the corners and never go away.
Because people who matter to me, matter to me forever.
I’m not good at being vulnerable. I balk at feelings and suppress my emotions and struggle with being genuine because my instinct will always be to be…something less serious.
But that doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t there. They’re just hiding, they’re just a not-so-secret secret I’m not ready to divulge yet.
Someday, but not today.
You matter to me.
And I promise that someday I’ll say it out loud.