Here’s A Timeline Of What Happens When A Person Who Normally Hates Going Out Decides To Go Out

Gossip Girl: The Complete Series
Gossip Girl: The Complete Series

Something hits a trigger that convinces you to go out. You saw pictures of aesthetically pleasing margaritas on someone’s Instagram. You wanted to dance. You wanted to drink. You watched a movie that had a nightclub scene and it appears to be fun. You had little to no human interaction for an amount of time that felt mentally unhealthy. Somehow you decided you’re going out. Here’s a variation of how it’ll play out more often than not.

10:00am: You can’t wait for tonight, it’s going to be such a good time.

12:00pm: Could this day possibly move any slower? You’re ready for tonight’s festivities to begin. Step on it, space-time continuum!

1:00pm: What should you wear tonight? Hmm, maybe you’ll wear the outfit you wore yesterday. I mean, you didn’t run into anybody important, and it was such a great outfit that it’s worthy of being seen by more eyeballs — meaningful ones.

2:00pm: You. Are. Sleepy. You might need a power nap before later. Nothing crazy, just like 30-45 minutes of shut-eye sounds great right about now.

5:45pm: Well that nap was fantastic, so much so that you’re actually more tired than you were before.

5:55pm: Uh-oh, you’re still very tired. Do I even want to go out anymore?

6:00pm: You should just send a text to gauge how badly the people you made plans with still want to go out.

6:05pm: Well that was a resounding “YES!” Looks like there’s no going back now.

7:00pm: You have time for a little TV, but after that you should probably start getting ready.

7:20pm: No, really, you should probably start getting ready.

7:45pm: Seriously, you should start getting ready.

8:05pm: TBS is playing some movie you love from 2004 and it’s irresistible. Maybe your mind can multitask as you watch TV, while also making a final decision on your outfit, then you can get ready after.

8:08pm: A commercial break – nice! This is the perfect opportunity to go get ready… As soon as this commercial with sad music and gloomy-eyed puppies ends, because you’re obviously curious where it’s going.

8:09pm: Well that was remarkably depressing. Now you’re curious, so you’re going to Google information on the local dog shelter real quick. Who knows, maybe you’ll adopt one.

9:45pm: How did you get on YouTube? How has it been an hour and a half? You need to get ready, RIGHT NOW… Well this YouTube video is almost done, what’s another 30 seconds?

9:50pm: …What’s another 3-minute related video?

10:00pm: One of the people you have plans with calls, inconveniently forcing you to pause the YouTube video you were most recently watching. They’ll ask if you’re ready. You’ll lie and say “Almost,” while simultaneously getting undressed, shuffling through your closet to make a hasty outfit selection, getting the warm water running for your shower, and unrealistically reassuring the person on the phone that you’ll be leaving home in five.

10:07pm: As warm water pelts your skull, you consider skipping exfoliation, because how clean is clean enough?

10:08pm: You’ve washed the minimum amount necessary to feel clean, which feels like the cheapest, express drive-through car wash option of showers.

10:15pm: Wow — that shower woke you up! You’re suddenly as excited about going out now, as you were this morning.

10:30pm: You arrive at the destination and, for some odd reason you immediately have sinking feeling that the decision to be here and not home might not have been the least stressful, most enjoyable one. Whatever, you’re already here, and you make your own fun.

10:35pm: Your friend(s) are excited, you’re catching up, this is fun!

10:40pm: This is nice. See, you thought it was going to be a nerve-wrecking night, and surprisingly, you’re loving it.

10:45 pm: This is where the inevitable monkey wrench comes. Your friend(s) will decide to go to a new venue that you have zero interest in, or they’ll unexpectedly invite a new person you’ve never met to join, and you’ll feel anxious about it, or you’ll simply remember your bed you left back at home, and how soft it is, and how it doesn’t have a cover charge, or require any physical or social effort whatsoever.

11:50pm: No matter what, you’re going to try to tough it out, because 12-Hours-Ago-You wanted this.

1:50am:
It’ll all be over soon, everything closes in ten minutes… Wait, no, it’s not actually 1:50am. It felt like two hours of socializing and not being home went by, but they didn’t.

11:57pm: Seven minutes. It was actually only seven minutes.

12:00am: Something unpleasant will happen, and it’ll remind you why you stay home so often. You’ll spot your ex. A drunk person will try to fight you. You’ll be charged $14 for a mediocre cocktail. Something happens, and it generates a cloud of regret overhead, drenching you in remorse and a desire to go home immediately.

12:01am: Make your way home.

12:10am: After enduring what felt like weeks of discomfort, you finally find yourself on the edge of glory. You lift your precious key, gently sliding it into the nook, cranny and crevice filled hole that was made precisely to have an edgy, curvaceous metal instrument inserted in it. You introduce the inanimate soul mates, turning ever so slightly as the lock’s bolt audibly clicks. This. This is your moment, as you twist the knob and push open the door, embracing the familiar beauty being bestowed upon you… Then you kick off your shoes, hastily strip off layers of clothes, plop on the couch, and unshackle politeness, relentlessly releasing all of the farts you may’ve been holding in whilst around other people. Emancipate those pungent gasses being held captive within, for you are finally home, homebody. TC mark


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