The Amber Alert
It looks something like this:
Them: Hey, what are you up to?
You: Not much, hanging out right now, what about you?
Them: … [GONE AF]
Why people initiate conversations, then vanish is beyond explanation. When you suddenly disappear, not only might people worry about your well-being, but when they find out you’re still alive, they’re just disappointed in your poor etiquette.
The Single Word Salutation
“Hey.” “Hi.” “Sup?” “Yo.”
You wouldn’t throw a party and only get plastic cups, expecting guests to bring literally everything else, right? So maybe contribute more than a single syllable to the conversation.
The Unnecessary Group Text
Unless you’re planning a surprise party, or cracking jokes about someone who’s in the same room, group texts should be avoided. Nobody wants steady streams of vibrations & alerts filling up their phone for a pointless conversation that they were involuntarily sucked into.
The 12-Hour+ Response Time
You know how much life happens in 12 hours? That’s half a day. That’s 24 episodes of Family Guy (with commercials). That’s enough time to individually bake 36 DiGiorno pizzas. That’s 720 minutes. The earth has completed half of a rotation, and you can’t send a text back? After 12 hours, all texts become null and void, there’s no need to even bother responding.
The Do It Yourself, Dummy
“Call me,” they’ll say. How absurd is that? Why not just call yourself? That’s like someone handwriting you a letter telling you to send them an email.
The Selective Response
Only replying to specific parts of a text is a bogus move. A conversation isn’t some kind of appetizer sampler you can pick and choose from. I mean, you can, but you’re insufferable for doing it. You’re the person who eats all of the chicken fingers and fries, but leaves behind jalapeño poppers.
What is anyone supposed to do with a “K” text. This feels like the equivalent of you speaking and someone putting a finger over your lips mid-sentence, aggressively shushing you. There’s no way a “K” text is not the end of the conversation.
The Build Up To Let Down
If you text “Guess what,” you better have some extravagant revelations coming. You better be saying you’re currently eating nachos with Kanye West, or you just won $100,000,000, because nothings worse than a subpar ending. It typically winds up being something like, “Guess what… I just found my Chapstick that I lost the other day. Remember when I couldn’t find it? Well, yeah, case closed!”
The One That’s Only Happening Because They Need Something
A lot of people don’t even like asking their best friends for favors, let alone people they seldom interact with. If someone’s comfortable asking you to help them move heavy furniture, without even asking how you’ve been for the past six months, you should be comfortable blowing off their request.