The Petty Stenographer

If she insists with the utmost conviction that in recent or ancient history you said something that’s currently coming back to haunt you, and you’re not 100% sure that you didn’t, just safely assume those words may’ve come out of your mouth. That doesn’t mean you have to plead guilty to a verbal crime you’re not sure you committed, but definitely plead poor memory and bewilderment.

The “Just Acknowledge That This Woman Who Isn’t Me Is Pretty”

I mean, saying things like “Is Jessica Alba cute to me? Nah, she’s whatever.” just sounds ludicrous. She knows when someone is undeniably aesthetically pleasing; just harmonize her praises, concur that the person has a nice face, and move on about your day.

NOTE: This only applies to famous and/or unattainable people. Do not, I repeat, do not agree that her best friend, or your waitress at Chili’s, or someone in a 200-mile radius is attractive to end a debate with your girlfriend because an entire new conversation can arise. When one argument closes, another one will open.

The Mood She’s Currently In Debate

While all evidence including but not limited to facial expressions, tones, blatantly annoyed sighs, eye rolls, zero eye contact, and one word responses might point to someone being in a bad mood, that might not be the case here (wink wink). She might be in a completely fine mood like she says, despite how it appears (nudge nudge). Whatever the case, nothing further annoys an annoyed person more than arguing over just how annoyed they are.

The What Should We Listen To?

Yes, she may be acting like DJ Dictator, but it’s really important to consider if you’d rather listen to music you don’t really want to hear for the extent of a car ride, or engage in a full-fledged argument that could last long after the drive. However, if you’re road tripping and the drive is 2+ hours, fight for your rights, man. You’ve got to establish some type of agreement that allows you both an equal opportunity to violate each other’s ears.

The Hurry, We’re Running Late

Some people hate being rushed, some people love being punctual. Yes, the person who is tardy and causing someone else to be late to scheduled plans is certainly in the wrong, but here’s another way to look at it:

Say you run in a crowded store for milk. You get the milk. You’re ready to check out. As you get to the ’15 items or less’ Express Lane, someone with a full cart of groceries beats you there. That person is in the wrong. That person has more items than the clearly allotted amount, and now you’re standing behind them, staring angrily at the back of their head as they waste more of your time than they should be. You could call this person out and make a huge fuss, but typically you won’t because it’d result in a bigger incident that’d take up even more of your time. OR, what if you did angrily call it out and the person turned out to be super nice about it and let you cut them in line, then you’d feel like a jerk.

Enough with the metaphor, basically, unless it’s a habitual, recurring thing, mention being pressed for time and let it go.

Anything You’re Arguing About If You’re Only Like 50% Sure You’re Right

So many arguments could’ve been prevented or settled by a simple Google search. If you don’t know something for certain, you need to use your resources. Don’t argue for 15 minutes, then come to find out that you’re wrong. Let her carry that burden of thinking she’s correct. If she turns out to be right, no biggie – but if she’s wrong – well then it’s a gloating party hosted by you, and she’s the only one invited.

The One That Happens Via Text Message

Conversations of any significance shouldn’t take place over a means of communication that depends on cartoon faces to express emotions. Be forewarned, texting “K” is not a chill way to end the argument, as it’ll only multiply the slightest bit of irritation tenfold.

Any Argument That Happens During A Competition

Whether you’re playing video games, bowling, or anything in between, you don’t want to start an angry battle while in the midst of a playful one. If any argumentative tones arise during a game of Madden or what have you, simply defuse the situation by being profusely kind, and seek satisfaction by trying to absolutely dominate whatever you’re going head-to-head in.

The Argument About Arguing

If words are being exchanged and you say something along the lines of “I’m not going to keep arguing with you” and she responds with something along the lines of “I’m not arguing, I’m stating facts” or “It’s not an argument, it’s a discussion” or “That’s because you know you’re wrong” or “You’re the one who started it,” you’re going to want to just take this loss and taste defeat with minimum harm done. It’s like when a football team is being blown out late in the 4^th quarter and they punt so they can lose by 21 instead of 28.