1. The always-difficult task of mustering up the energy to stop sitting on the couch, comfortably doing nothing and beginning the process of getting ready, which includes things like showering and choosing clothes to wear, but the twist is your most comfortable sweatpants and oversized t-shirts aren’t eligible to be worn.
2. Inevitably running late because you took too long getting off the internet or prying the TV remote from your own hand to begin the tasks mentioned above.
3. Spewing all of the classic Person-Who-Doesn’t-Go-Out-Often-Enough-To-Know-How-Much-Time-They-Need-To-Get-Ready lies: “I’m almost ready, then I’m heading out!” you’ll say, as you step into the shower. “I’ll be there in like 2-minutes!” you’ll say, as you scan your closet for clothes, wrapped in a towel. “I’m literally like 2-seconds away!” you’ll say, knowing you’re at least 5-15 minutes away.
4. Calculating and cringing at the cost of food and drinks purchased throughout the night. You could’ve gotten these things for significantly cheaper, or, at such high rates, you could’ve had grub delivered to your doorstep. You’ll question why you’re having a $12 vodka & Red Bull in a musty club when you could be enjoying a $5 bottle of wine at home.
5. People are so shocked but happy to see you out that they look at you like you’re the ghost of a dead celebrity, or a super rare Pokémon.
6. Realizing that you’re having fun, and wondering why you don’t do this more often.
7. Remembering why you don’t do this more often when something unpleasant happens shortly thereafter. You’ll spot an enemy. A drunk stranger will try to fight you. You’ll be charged $14 for a 75% ice cocktail. Something happens, and it generates a cloud of regret overhead, drenching you in remorse.
8. Daring the universe to give you a reason to call it a night early. Whether that comes in the form of unexpected rain or a small building fire, you’re champing at the bit for an out.
9. If you’re out and you spot something that reminds you of being home, like a Redbox or a soft couch, you’ll be hit with the same wave of sadness that one might feel running into their ex who they’re still deeply in love with.
10. Because you’re never out, you’ll make rookie mistakes and they’ll catch up to you. Your phone wasn’t charged and now you’ve only got 10% battery left. You didn’t realize Fireball was that strong, and now you’re feeling a hard buzz. These shoes that you pretty much never wear aren’t meshing well with your feet, and you’re in excruciating pain. The unpleasant possibilities are endless.
11. Feeling on the brink of bursting with excitement in anticipation of the night out ending. It’s like having to go pee really bad, and the only way to metaphorically empty your bladder is to go back home.
12. Whether it be cowering because of face-to-face interaction or being overly friendly in a drunken stupor, you’re at risk to accept invitations for future plans from people. You’ll regret it. God forbid those plans are made for the next day, leaving you with little time to concoct a legitimate way to back out.
13. You’ll feel peak happiness towards the end of the night when everyone agrees that greasy, cheap slices of pizza or 24-7 diner food are the priority.
14. The bliss of finally arriving home, and recognizing that these few and far between nights out are necessary. You must go out once in a while, or you wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate the comfort and joy of your own home.