1. Remembering information about them.
Yes, good memory somehow gets associated with creepiness when you’re not their cup of tea. Um, you remembered an insignificant fact about a person? Gross, what a stalker you are… Unless, of course, they’re into you, in which case that’s so refreshing that you actually listen and pay attention to details.
2. Liking all of someone’s social media posts.
A like here and there is fine, but when you like in bulk as if you’re the Costco of social media admiration, you’d better be someone they find attractive. God forbid you do it at traditionally creepy hours of the night, like 2am. That’s just going to make them even more uncomfortable with your appreciation of their posts, and certain you’re some kind of wierdo.
Nothing irritates someone who doesn’t find you attractive like you being forward and making bold moves. Never hit CTRL + B on your romantic actions unless you’re certain that a person is into you, otherwise they’ll be borderline offended that you felt comfortable even trying to change the font of platonic interaction.
Remove the word try from your vocabulary. Trying is a no. Your perseverance is futile. Courting and being all determined is reserved for people the person being sought after is attracted to. Take your tenacity elsewhere, bozo.
5. Responding quickly to text messages.
If the person finds you attractive, they’re thrilled that they’re being treated like a top priority and you’re making a conscious effort. If they don’t, it’s like, ew, pathetic, don’t you have a life or do you just sit by the phone all day waiting for interaction?
6. Asking their friend for intel on them.
If word gets to a person that you asked about them, and they don’t think you’re attractive, a restraining order literally materializes in their hands to keep your psychotic self 100-yards away. True story.
7. Tracking down someone you only met once on social media.
If they find you attractive, then by all means, do the research and add them on Facebook. The effort is adorable. However, if they didn’t find you good looking, questions as to how your psychotic fingers scrolled, clicked and types their way to this person’s profile will be asked.
8. Making plans for the future.
For example, don’t do things like surprise someone who doesn’t find you attractive with tickets to a concert next month. You’re jumping to the conclusion that they’d accept your creepy invitation without wearing the safety harness of certainty before leaping… In contrast, if you’re attractive, you can ask them to brainstorm baby names for your future child and they won’t flinch.
Try showing up somewhere unexpectedly to surprise a person who doesn’t find your face pleasant. I don’t care how many flowers, or romantic offerings you’re bestowing upon them, they’ll call the FBI – or, at least tell all of their friends how creepy you are, which might be worse for your reputation. In their defense, nobody really wants someone unexpectedly at their doorstep these days, so creeps and surprises are destined to be bundled together.
10. Getting slightly jealous when they’re physically or romantically involved with someone else.
You aren’t allowed to be upset about a person who wasn’t ever yours dating somebody else, no matter how much it eats at you inside. If you mention aloud that it bothers you, and that message is somehow relayed to your crush, well now you look like a delusional, obsessive, possessive, psycho stalker. Unless you’re attractive in which case they’ll feel excited about their options.
11. Any eye contact that’s longer than a quick glance.
Don’t try to sexily gaze and make eyes at someone who doesn’t find you attractive. There’s an entire world for your unappetizing face to gawk at, you thirsty nincompoop.
12. Making any flirtatious remarks, really.
It’s pretty much illegal to flirt with someone who doesn’t find you attractive. Take those pickup lines elsewhere, unless you want to wind up in the slammer with felony harassment charges, bub.
13. Acquiring a phone number indirectly.
I mean, this is actually bad form and poor etiquette, but if you do it without 100% certainty that you make their loins tingle, you’re asking to have the public image of that guy who used to stand behind Helga Pataki and breath really hard.
14. Being your quirky self.
You know why Zooey Deschanel is considered quirky and not creepy? Because she looks like Zooey Deschanel. If you don’t look like Zooey Deschanel, you better save that unique personality for somebody who wants to experience your eccentric, awkward shenanigans. Be normal, or forever be known as a creep.
15. Speaking directly to them at all.
How dare you. HOW fr*ggin’ DARE YOU. You can interact with the other lowly heathens like yourself, but you best not have the nerve to utter words in the direction of someone who doesn’t find you attractive. If you do, they will tell their friends that you’re a creeper, and their friends will have no qualms with passing that notion along until you’re locally known as the town weirdo who everyone steers clear of . If you aren’t certain without a shadow of a doubt that someone finds you attractive, shut your mouth, look in the opposite direction and don’t make any sudden movements. Just be still and silent, but not like too statue-like, because that too would be creepy.