“[INSERT PERSON THEY’RE DATING’S NAME] IS MY #MCM/#WCW!”
This is the new Facebook official. I know, Facebook official isn’t exactly old, but recently people find comfort and security in their face being plastered all over the person they’re seeing’s Instagram. Being vocal about your feelings and showing the person off is an elaborate, adoring way of calling dibs.
“Have fun with that.”
Ruh roh. You’re going somewhere or doing something they aren’t thrilled about, and they’re passive aggressively expressing their dissatisfaction with your decision. They don’t want you to “have fun.” They want you to have none of the fun. Know that responding “Thanks!” is a surefire way to make the situation 100% worse.
“He’s/She’s creepy/clingy/thirsty.”
Maybe this person is actually creepy, clingy or thirsty, but maybe, just maybe they’re only making a reasonable amount of effort, but the feelings of attraction aren’t mutual, thus it’s not labeled charming, it’s off-putting.
(After 8+ hours) “I just saw your text.”
Rare moments when it’s the honest truth aside, this usually means “I blew you off and didn’t even care enough to come up with an elaborate lie.” Brutal.
*Liking a bunch of the person they’re interested in’s selfies on Instagram*
This probably means, “I like what I’m seeing, feel free to send a direct, private message.” Same goes for faving tweets, or liking Facebook stuff, it’s all the equivalent of flirtatiously batting your lashes, and inviting a move to be made.
“He/She’s giving mixed signals.”
Someone liked a bunch of their selfies, favorited their tweets, and was all over their Facebook wall, but then didn’t respond to a private message.
“The person I’m dating and I trust each other, so we don’t mind sharing passwords and checking each other’s Facebook accounts.”
They have serious insecurities and trust issues, failing to realize that checking each other’s social media profiles is about as untrusting as it gets.
(After their number is requested) “YOU give me YOUR number and I’ll text you.”
It’s not looking good. This could be a precaution to stave off crazies, but if they truly intend to text you, you’re going to get their number anyway, right? For that reason, this is a grim sign and you’ll likely never hear from them, but in the moment it has to feel better than a blunt “No.”
“Not having someone to cuddle with sucks.”
Translation: It’s October-to-December-ish and the cool weather and changing seasons signed my permission slip approving me to go on a feel trip. The cold is a reminder of the lack of warm bodies nearby to snuggle with.
“Being single is exhausting.”
They saw something that looked wild and crazy on social media, and now think they’d rather be dating.
“Dating someone is exhausting.”
They saw something that looked romantic and tender on social media, and now think they’d rather be single.
(To the person they’re currently dating) “So-and-so has been being all flirty and stuff with me, it’s funny.”
This means, “You have competition. Feel threatened.” They might want to see you squirm, maybe to stroke their ego, or maybe to motivate you to make a move and take things to the next level if you already haven’t.
“Literally all of my exes are crazy.” (When they have 3+ exes)
The misfortune of dating two psychos is feasible, but anything more and it’s suspect. Either they’re actually the crazy one, and are unwilling to look in the mirror, or they drive their exes to Insanity Blvd. and drop ‘em off on the side of the road. This statement is one of the reddest flags.
“Want to play 20 questions?”
They’re going to ask what kind of music you like best, and you’ll say “Mostly country” or “I listen to everything but country,” and then after you discuss favorite colors and animals, somehow the topic will inevitably, awkwardly, abruptly and vulgarly change to sex.
*Silence while purposely taking long to text or call*
They actually like the person, and the best way to not ruin any interest their crush might have is to appear to have higher priorities than interacting them, right? At least, that’s what recent norms have convinced the masses to believe. Nothing shows interest like not showing interest.
“We’re talking.”
They’re avoiding any established, deep-rooted commitment because the vagueness of whatever it is they’re doing allows wiggle room for any hurt feelings or “mistakes” to be justifiable.
“Have a goodnight.” (at 8pm or earlier)
You’ve been dismissed. Relieved of your conversational duties for the evening. The sender certainly isn’t going to sleep this early; they’re just shunning you for several hours so you can think about what you’ve done to irritate them. This is the dating equivalent of being put in timeout. 
