Disclaimer: This is about immature little boys, so if it doesn’t apply to you then you’re obviously a mature, grown man, or whatever makes you feel good enough that you don’t get outraged about playful internet nonsense.
1. “I’m a nice guy.”
He’s not at a job interview, yet he’s trying to talk himself up. They make Lifetime movies about the type of crazy person he probably is. Think about the nicest folks you know – do they ever have to remind others how pleasant and kind they are? This is a telltale sign that a dude is actually a number of things that aren’t nice.
2. “❒ Single. ❒ Taken. ✔ In the gym”
He posts videos of himself lifting weights. He recommends the best brands of creatine. He shares countless shirtless photos and lame memes that only a cocky meathead would find clever, and his self-absorbed attitude is unbearable to many. However, he’s super fit and physically intimidating, so nobody has the courage to tell him how off-putting his personality is.
3. “I’m an alpha male.”
His best friend is the “✔ In the gym” guy. They lift together and sometimes even share protein drinks, but not without saying “no homo” to stave off any confusion of their sexual preferences. He doesn’t ever use his indoor voice, he cusses a lot, enjoys breaking things, and is a wordsmith, dominating arguments with phrases such as “Dude, don’t be a little bitch!” and “Whatever, pussy.”
4. “I’ve just got a lot going on right now.”
This means one of two things:
Possibility #1: He truly has a full calendar.
Possibility #2: He’s playing in multiple fantasy football leagues.
5. “I’m laid-back and easygoing.”
There’s a good chance he smokes weed or hookah and burns a lot of incense sticks in his home, while reading books about U.S. government conspiracy theories and being the most anxious, paranoid, yet somehow super chill person. There’s also a drug free version of this guy who works 8 hours a day, goes home, watches How I Met Your Mother reruns, eats a TV dinner, and gets 3 likes on his Facebook statuses, just quietly existing.
6. “I’m a flirt.”
He’s going to do things like make inappropriate passes at his buddy’s girlfriend or grab someone’s butt who isn’t okay with it and when confronted, he’ll apologize and explain that he “just flirts with everybody naturally.” Robin Thicke is probably his spirit animal.
7. “I tried to be a gentleman, but girls didn’t appreciate it.”
He once held the door open for a girl and she had the nerve to not give him her number or a relationship or sex or whatever it is he wanted from her. Can believe that? All he got was a “thank you,” which is why he’s at his wit’s end with that gentleman stuff. Date/do him or the chivalry well will run dry.
8. “I’m old school.”
He thinks he’s making a statement by still having a flip phone and refusing to transition from DVD to Blu-ray.
9. “I’m a grown-ass man!”
He probably pays his own bills and stuff, giving him a sense of pride and machismo. It’s as if when you sign the lease to a home, they give you the keys and a membership card for the “Grown-ass Man Club.” It’s worth noting that this phrase is mostly used in heated discussions. If a guy is telling you that he’s a “grown-ass man,” you’ve said or done something that offended him, and he’s making it clear that he’s a fully developed adult, who could probably learn more eloquent adjectives.
10. “I’m not like most guys.”
Technically he’s right, because most guys know that even if they are unique, this line is too tainted and pointless to use when describing yourself. This is just the worst combination of five words if you’re looking to stand out. It’s so basic. So cliché. It’s the Jason Derulo of sentences.
11. “I’m a sensitive guy.”
He listens to sad music, like Coldplay, and cries more often than society has deemed appropriate for manly men. The sensitive guy has a lot of feelings, but is more likely to be the considerate, nice guy than the guy who says that he’s a nice guy.
12. “I’m the life of the party.”
He isn’t grossed out by bathroom floors or sleeping on a stranger’s couch, and he’s actually the death of the party. The guy who doesn’t grasp that the host of the party wants everyone to go home. The dude who bouncers have to scoot out of the bar. The fella who tries to drag everyone to IHOP for a post club rage review session. His most impressive attribute is that 8.5 out of 10 times, he makes it to the toilet before puking.
If he calls himself daddy and/or encourages you to refer to him as daddy, he was born without the ability to sense when he should be embarrassed, so now you’ll have to feel it for him. This goes for “Papi chulo” too — just because you oprima numero dos para espanol doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be ashamed as well.