1. “I’m just taking some time to do me!”
She had a breakup recently. It was messy and she’s still getting over it. She’s very vulnerable, and will probably do something drastic like deactivate her Facebook or get bangs.
2. “I’m a free spirit.”
Her spirit is so free that she goes to music festivals, wears head jewelry AND has a wrist tattoo.
3. “I’m independent” (along with a photo of or about money)
She’s a teenager, or at least has the mentality of one who loves song lyrics about prioritizing money over everything. She doesn’t realize that finances are only one aspect of independence, which is why her actual happiness probably depends on affection, attention, and the number of Instagram likes on ALL of her photos — not just ones of the paper, dough, green, chedda, scrilla, moolah, cash nature.
4. “I’m wifey material!”
In the clearance section of Bed, Bath & Beyond, you might find some affordable designer sheets that say 1,200 thread count on the packaging, but they’re actually 500. If those sheets were somehow capable of speaking words, and were told to fabricate their quality for the sake of finding a companion, “I’m wifey material” is literally the exact phrase they’d say.
5. “I’m always exhausted.”
Actually independent. She probably works 40+ hours a week and updates her LinkedIn more often than she tweets. It’ll take a real grown up to court her, as she doesn’t need money or attention to feel whole.
6. “I’m a model. For booking email blah@Whatever.com”
Owners of Canons and Nikons come from across the county (not country, county) to photograph her. Maybe she gets paid money, maybe she gets compensated with exposure, maybe it’s Maybelline. Whatever the case, chances are this isn’t a professional who models for a living. Unless it says SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY, because that means she wants the 100% for real people to email her… as opposed to models who are like PLAYFUL, FAKE INQUIRIES WELCOME AS WELL.
7. “I HATE drama/ I’m drama free.”
She’s essentially a living, breathing, kicking, screaming VH1 reality TV show trying to package itself as a PBS documentary.
8. *a bunch of emojis in her social media profile bio*
Regardless of which emojis are used, the more important message here is that words are hard for her. You know how a baby cries and it could mean they’re hungry, sleepy or nothing at all? That’s how this girl is when she uses the information desk emoji via text. Is she being sassy? Funny? Friendly?
9. “I’m a princess.”
She’s high maintenance. She’ll refuse to order off of dollar menus or use any iPhone that isn’t the newest model. She’ll say things like “Ew, you shop for clothes at Target?” and “Why don’t you just buy a new one?” Her parents probably spoil her with all of the material things she wants, and having so many expensive possessions may’ve actually convinced her that she’s hardworking.
10. “I’m a bitch, and proud of it.”
She’s being upfront and honest, which is admirable. It’s like how a rattlesnake lets you know – dude, these ain’t maracas you’re hearing, if you cross me I’m liable to put some venom in your bloodstream. IMPORTANT: If in a verbal battle and you want to hurt her feelings, do not call her a bitch. That’ll only make her stronger.
11. “I’m classy.”
She’s trying to convince somebody that she’s classy, maybe even herself. Telling people how classy you are negates the notion that you’re classy. It’s like the word “humble” – you shouldn’t have to tell people how “classy” or “humble” you are. Elegance and modesty don’t wave their hands and scream “Hey, look at me!”
12. “I have mostly guy friends because I don’t get along with girls.”
She has mostly guy friends because the dudes she’s pals with are romantically involved with girls who don’t care for her, because she’s friends with their love interest.
13. “I’m such a nerd.”
She wears lensless glasses and reads a book for five minutes before stopping to take pictures of the cover, and let everyone know that she’s being such a bookworm. She also might enjoy video games sometimes or whatever, but true, genuine nerds typically aren’t labeling themselves and boasting about the eight pages of a New York Times Best Seller they just skimmed through.