Basketball shorts and slide sandals.

It’s a safe bet that you’re meeting up with him in the evening, under vague circumstances. The only established description of what’ll take place is “chill” or “hang out” — perhaps even “watch Netflix.” If he has it his way, there’ll be physical contact before the opening credits are done, and you’ll be doing PG-13 to R-rated activities shortly thereafter. If you really evaluate this outfit, his plan is obvious.

Slide sandals: Incredibly easy to remove, no pesky laces.
Basketball shorts: Professional athletes wear these when they want to be capable of maximum performance — as aerodynamic, agile and nimble as possible. The guy meeting up with you wants to be all of these things as well, which speaks volumes. He intends to showcase his athleticism in a number of ways, none of which include watching movies…

Or he just wants to be comfortable, but that’s not nearly as entertaining as the other theory.

Affliction or TapouT shirt.

He wants to take you to his favorite bar – it’s called Buffalo Wild Wings. Enjoy watching UFC as he tells you in detail about how he’s been crushing it at his dojo, while you distractedly try to figure out which scent of Axe body spray he’s doused in.

Or he could be a great guy who happens to be wearing a fake tough guy’s uniform, but that’s not nearly as awesome at Brazilian Jiu Jitsu as the other theory.

A hoodie with the hood up + sunglasses and/or a hat.

He’s wearing what celebrities wear when they don’t want to be spotted by the paparazzi. It’s obvious that he wants to see you badly if he dressed in incognito gear and went on a risky mission to visit you, but he’s obviously avoiding being recognized. Chances are his goals for the night include seeing you, not being seen with you, and solidifying you as a side chick.

Or it’s somehow cold and sunny out at the same time, which is the only viable explanation for a hoodie and sunglasses being worn simultaneously, but that’s not nearly as logical as the other theory, which isn’t so much a theory as it is actual reality.

A suit.

A suit can mean a number of things. If he brings you to Starbucks and pitches a business opportunity, he’s trying to sign you up for a pyramid scheme. If he’s a cheese ball and gives off used car salesman vibes, he’s likely a How I Met Your Mother fan who’s trying to get you in bed while modeling his game after a fictional character, which is ambitious but also vaguely pathetic. If the suit is unsophisticatedly baggy, know that the guy probably thought he was being snazzy in his outfit selection, despite looking like a son who fell in his father’s laundry basket.

Or he could just be an elegant, stylish dude who likes dressing in suits for meaningful occasions, but these theories aren’t based on romantic comedies.

Jeans & a button down, V-neck, or some basic shirt.

He has zero expectations. Hopes? Sure. Ideal scenarios? Absolutely. However, in terms of anticipating where the date will go, this outfit is as casual, yet prepared for anything as possible. Jeans & a basic shirt could mean a bar. Jeans & a basic shirt could mean Applebee’s. Jeans & a basic shirt could mean could mean going on some elaborately planned, unique, adventurous date. It most likely means Applebee’s, but still, let’s pretend like half-off appetizers aren’t all but guaranteed in your near future.

Or he just prefers dressing like an H&M mannequin, but that’s not nearly as entertaining as th–actually both theories pretty boring, just like the outfit.

*He’s wearing something you’ve specifically mentioned to him that you like.*

Obviously he wants to earn brownie points, and this is the most surefire way to do so. It may seem charming now, but be wary; he’s only trying to earn aforementioned brownie points so he can cash them in for something else at some point.

Or he just wanted to make you smile and like the way he looks, but that’s too reasonable, rational and ickily nonjudgmental.

A fedora.

Give credit because this guy’s goal is to impress the heck out of you. Unfortunately he went the fedora route, which is a road known to be heavily monitored by fashion police. If the officer stops him and asks, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” this guy would genuinely be stumped, because Fedora wearers know not why their beloved hats are widely abhorred. I personally don’t even understand, but that won’t stop this man from being ticketed for his crimes against headwear. Still, the decision to don this hat was made in the hopes that it’d astound you, in a good way.

Or he just doesn’t care what others think and wore something he likes, but that doesn’t reinforce hateful feelings towards individuals who decide to wear a particular type of hat nearly as much as the other theory.

Sweatpants.

His main goal is to set the bar extremely low, because what shows carelessness more than sweatpants? He likely understands that by wearing aforementioned soft pants to a date of any sort with you, he’s ensuring there’ll be no physical contact. It’s the future that he’s investing in, because the next time you see him and he’s not dressed like bedtime in the winter, you’ll be captivated.

Or he’s just comfortable enough around you to wear sweatpants, but that’s not nearly as 50% cotton, 40% polyester 10% drama as the other theory.