The person who’s already 50 in their own mind anyway, so whatever.
You aren’t any older than your mindset tells you, and yours happens to encourage you to turn down social gathering invitations, relax, be grumpy, avoid hearing or reading about what idiotic thing the topical celebrity did, and exercise only to avoid like death or whatever.
The person who adopts a really sophisticated hobby.
You get enthusiastic about cooking and suddenly become obsessed with reading food blogs and owning a cast iron skillet. You get really into DIY projects and now you’re building placemats out of beach pebbles and doing a bunch of strange things with mason jars. You become a whisky or wine expert and use terms like oaky or full-bodied to describe them.
The person who’s in denial and resorts to their 21-year-old self’s habits.
You can’t figure out why nobody wants to stay at the club ‘til 2, then loiter in the parking lot recapping everything that just transpired in aforementioned club, then go to IHOP, then hang in the IHOP parking lot discussing how those pancakes were so legit, then plan tomorrow’s festivities. It’s not just that these habits lead to weird poops the following day, but they’re also physically taxing and increasingly embarrassing from age 25 on.
The person who gets a rush from humble bragging about their awesome career.
Y’know, the guy or gal who posts social media statuses like: That awkward moment when you’re the last person at the office so you start blasting Spice Girls!! #imstillakid #akidwithafulltimejob
The person who is panicking about their rapidly approaching 30th on the inside, but hides it really well.
Your life is an Oscar worthy performance.
The person who has no interest in the newest technology or lingo.
You refuse to keep up with the times, and sometimes even regress. You remember 2007 as a glorious time full of Blackberries and Zunes and the word “tight” being a heavily used adjective.
The person who indulges in samples of mature life, by living vicariously through their friends’ weddings and kids.
It’s easy to get dressed up and watch two people commit to spending the rest of their lives together. It’s easier to play the cool “Aunt/Uncle” role for a few hours. It’s easiest to be able to return to a less responsibility crammed situation than be an actual, full-time participant in raising a kid or being married.
The person who makes life altering, irrational impulse purchases.
All of the desires come so suddenly. You want a new car AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. You want these expensive heels IMMEDIATELY. You have to get this puppy RIGHT NOW. Have you worked out the logistics? Can you afford a car payment in addition to the gang of bills that already assaults your bank account monthly? Are you going to be able to care for the puppy, and when it grows and isn’t as miniature & adorable, will you still want it? You feel the urge to buy all of the things hastily, and run the risk of making decisions that a receipt & return policy can’t veto.
The “realist” whose dreams are either dead or on life support.
Maybe you succumbed to the fear of failure or the heartache of previous rejections, and officially decided to settle for less. Perhaps you’re barely hanging on, resting on the cusp of giving up. Whatever the case, you aren’t as optimistic as you once were about being what you want to be. Somehow it feels better to call it “being realistic” instead of “quitting”.
The perpetually tired person.
Perhaps that 9-5 is draining you, sucking up every last ounce of energy, leaving none for a social life. You have been fatigued, borderline exhausted and you’re not sure if you’re burnt out or just forever lethargic.
The person who randomly moves, so nobody knows where you went or if you’re ill/dying/dead.
Seriously, where’d you go and are you alright/surviving/not in the afterlife?
A replica of your parents.
You worry about things, take care of your friends, use coupons, continue worrying about thing, know stuff about fabric softeners, make corny jokes, buy things from the produce section, worry some more and repeat.
The person who puts up a façade to pretend that their life is incredible.
You’re not as bad as the type of person to post a scenic screensaver photo on Facebook and say it’s from their Hawaii vacation, or join a pyramid scheme and tell everyone how much money others, too, could be making from this incredible business opportunity. You’ll just post a lot of flashy, strategically timed junk to overcompensate for the fact that reality isn’t worthy of triple digit ‘Likes’ on Instagram.