1. You don’t ever flat-out ignore your actual friends, because one, that’d be rude, and two, you aren’t trying to burn the bridge, you just want to come up with a good excuse for why you can’t cross it on that particular night.
2. Because you do care about being on good terms with people, your favorite way to save face is the classic phrase, “I JUST saw your text, are you still at [NAME OF PLACE YOU WERE INVITED TO]?” The thing is, you only send this when you’re 100% certain they’re no longer out. If they’re still there or just switched locations they’ll say terrifying things like “Yep, I’ll wait here for you!” or “It’s not too late, just come!”
3. You take small, preventative measures to keeping your whereabouts and actions private, such as turning off read receipts in iMessage or disabling settings to prevent friends from tagging you in Facebook photos/statuses.
4. You’ve worn headphones without any music playing so you could hear everything being said around you, without feeling obligated to respond to it.
5.Your greatest social pet peeve is arriving to meet the person you made plans with, only to find that they’ve invited one (or God forbid more than one) of their friends whom you’ve never met. Surely this violates some kind of unspoken, common courtesy rule, right?
6. You have a small, tight-knit group of super loyal friends and you prefer that over a bunch of borderline acquaintances who you don’t know on a deep level.
7. “Who all is going?” is basically your catchphrase.
8. If you can order something online instead of going in a store full of human customers to buy it, you’ll happily pay those shipping & handling fees to have it delivered.
9. When you finally receive whatever it was you ordered online, you’ll stealthily peek outside to make sure the delivery person placed it on the doorstep and left, so you can avoid that 15-seconds of interaction.
10. On less than sociable days, if you get home at the same time as your neighbor, you’ll move in slow motion to avoid running into them.
11. You refuse to setup a voice mailbox because that’s one less message you have to pretend you didn’t receive. Also, that little icon that appears is obnoxious, so never having to deal with that is a bonus.
12. According to the history of your excuses, the same relative has passed away on several different occasions that just so happened to coincide with social gatherings that you didn’t want to attend. (If you’re a half-decent person, it’s someone who already passed away or doesn’t even exist.)
13. Over time you’ve discovered how great certain activities are alone. Most of the world doesn’t realize that going to the movies by yourself is so enjoyable, or that sometimes the best companion at a restaurant or coffee shop is a book.
14. As selfish as it is, you feel somewhat slighted and hurt when people don’t invite you to things. Yeah, they may’ve been confident you were going to say no, and correct in that assumption, but at least give you the opportunity to not RSVP. It’s like when you’re on a plane reading or listening to music and don’t even want the flight attendant to bother you with beverage selections, but if they skipped past you, you’d be slightly offended and suddenly feel an unquenched thirst because you want the option of rejecting that undersized cup of Coke.