1. Like the soundtrack to your everyday life is THIS MUSIC BLARING ON A LOOP:
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Yw5jkAHgME%5DThat incredibly panicky jingle above is exactly what life can feel like in and around your mid-20s. You’re drowning in a sea of unconquered aspirations. You need goals and desires to start coming to fruition NOW. This isn’t a sense of urgency; it’s a constant, anxious lifestyle that you previously only experienced in terrifying 15-second spurts when playing Sonic’s Labyrinth Zone as a kid.
2. Like you’re possibly too old to be doing particular things.
Constantly your inner Danny Glover takes over as you catch yourself questioning if you are in fact “too old for this sh-t.” Should I be out on a Wednesday night? Should I still own a futon? Should I be waiting in a massive line for the release of [INSERT NEW PRODUCT THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE WANT TO BUY HERE]? Should I be using so many hashtags? Should I pull an all-nighter that’ll throw off my sleep schedule for the next month? Am I too old for all of that sh-t?
3. Like nighttime is the right time to freak out about everything.
Basically the instant your head hits the pillow you feel the urge to sort out upcoming bills and balance your bank account, diagnose potential medical problems from your random symptoms (my head hurt earlier, what if it’s a tumor?!), think about stuff that can go wrong in the near future, worry about the mistakes you made that day (big & small), and generally all things unpleasant until it’s overwhelming and 3am.
4. Like life’s customer service hotline finally answered, but you forgot why you called.
You dialed long ago and it rang and rang, but when you’re finally answered and life asks, “how can I help you?” you realize you forgot why you were calling. (Also you think, it’s “how may I help you,” but you don’t want to correct life and come off as condescending.)
5. “I’m going to take a day off and then get back to wHAT JUST HAPPENED HOW HAS IT BEEN AN ENTIRE YEAR?!”
Your short-term plans always take significantly longer than anticipated. Going to nap for 45 minutes? Instead you sleep for five hours and waste the entire day. Skipping today’s workout? Suddenly it’s been six months since you last hit the gym. Taking a semester off? Cut to two years later and you haven’t returned to classes. Time was on your side but now it’s behind you, stabbing you in the back as if flies by at a disturbingly rapid speed, like the friend who doesn’t stop walking when you’re tying your shoe.
6. Like the first movie in the trilogy of your life is ending and the second one has begun filming and is coming to theaters soon (SOON = the next time something big happens, e.g. new job, MOVE cities, take next step with significant other, discover an incredible new wine, etc.)
You can only hope it performs well in the box office.
7. Am I becoming that guy/girl? Is this my “thing?”
We’d all like to be multifaceted, unique individuals. As you become an adult and grow into habits, you sometimes worry that you’re becoming a one-dimensional person — like an actor being typecast. Frank who has worked at Best Buy for three years is now widely known as “Best Buy Frank.” Janet who always posts gym selfies and pictures of her green smoothies and stupid leg day memes is often called “Fitness Janet” (or “Annoying Janet,” depending who you ask). When others have a shtick or “thing” they’re known for get labeled, you wonder if any unwanted associations or categorizations have secretly been given to you.
8. Like there are random vibrations in your thigh area.
Wait, no, that’s just your phone – Sallie Mae is calling and she wants her money back.