1. Find The Hidden Agenda.
There’s nothing worse than the person who pretends to wear their heart on their sleeve when they actually have an ace up it. This game is a lot like Where’s Waldo but instead of a striped shirt-wearing fellow, you’re trying to spy an ulterior motive.
This game is trickier than the others because you may not even know you’re taking part in it, but your gut usually tries to send notifications if you are. Instead of being surrounded by crowds of people like Waldo is, this hidden agenda will be enclosed in things you find attractive, so you may lose focus or subconsciously prolong the search because you don’t want it to end. That person may just want sex or materials or a rebound or to make someone else jealous or something other than what you have in mind, which means even if you find the truth and win, it still feels like you lost.
2. Phone Number Stockpiling.
This is one of those things like stomping ants or drinking non-alcoholic beer — sure you can do it but why don’t you just not? If you want to challenge yourself run an extra 15 minutes on the treadmill or study through the entire night or turn off Netflix before it automatically plays the next episode. Don’t collect phone numbers from people just to test your game or fulfill an odd life accomplishment void that likely needs something other than a bunch of digits.
If you do treat humans like batting practice and seek out their number, know that a person willing to give it to you in the first place will probably feel some level of disappointment when you don’t ever contact them. Though, if you’re okay with this concept they’re probably better of never hearing from you anyway.
3. Tactical Texting.
Wait two days to text. Purposely take several hours to respond. Purposely take a few days to respond. No emoticons or exclamation points! You can’t be expressing emotions, sending heart-eyed smileys, being all exuberant and whatnot. Also keep it short. Abbrvt wenevr pssble. Seem busy & uninterested – like a celebrity hastily exiting a fancy restaurant, halfheartedly answering questions from pesky photographs who are taking up precious, valuable moments of their time.
Maintaining that psychological texting shtick requires entirely too much effort and if you’re the one carefully strategizing your messages or feel like it’s happening to you, just stop.
This game is all about remembering everything negative that the person you’re dating has done, and doing your best to fit it into conversation as often as possible. Y’know, keep a detailed record and remind them so they can feel bad about their actions habitually. Their life is a TV show and you are here to syndicate their worst episodes, offering reruns of regretful moments to gain emotional leverage. Bonus points if you can recall stuff that’s over a year old during the pettiest of arguments.
5. I’m Upset With You But I Won’t Tell You Why Because I Want You To Guess.
“I’m fine” and other blatantly short answers spoken in a monotone, subdued voice are clear indicators that someone isn’t happy with you. Why? Who knows, but don’t allow yourself to become a contestant on the world’s most difficult, yet unrewarding game show. That figure-out-why-I’m-mad junk is a high school shenanigan and even high schoolers think it’s a middle school shenanigan. We all want to know that people care but making them guess why we’re pouting from an infinite possibility of answers is childish.
6. Dodging The “What Are We Talk.”
Person who wants to have the talk: “People were asking me if we were together the other day and I was like, ‘I don’t know’ *nervous laughter*”
Person who doesn’t want to have the talk: “Have you ever had butter crunch cashews? They’re so good… Like, next level nuts.”
This is an action packed game that consists of shooting down any hint of the boyfriend/girlfriend/dating/talking/going steady/more than friends/exclusive discussion. If that’s not what you want or are ready for, being upfront is the better route but changing the subject is a selfish, temporary fix.
7. Holding Out On Sex.
People should obviously be fully in control of their body and choosing to have sex or not, no question. The point here is that if you’re withholding sex because you want it to result in more commitment from someone who wants no strings attached booty, that’s a dangerous move. It’s the running with scissors of romance. Even if you do get some type of loyalty pledge, do you really want the foundation of your relationship to be that in exchange for false comfort, you’ll start hooking up? People will go to great lengths for some ass. As an honest, straight-shooting man once said:
“Hey, what the hell, whatcha want me to say?
I won’t lie that I can’t deny
I did it all for the nookie (c’mon)
The nookie (c’mon)
So you can take that cookie
And stick it up your, yeah!”
See, sometimes people do it all for nookie and afterwards they don’t feel bad, and they might even tell you to stick a cookie up your yeah.
8. I’ll Dip, You Dive.
Let’s think of entering something romantically as jumping into a large body of water (original, I know). Now, in this metaphor it’s chilly out and nobody wants to dive into the water alone, especially if it might be unbearably freezing. So instead of simultaneously dipping a toe, then putting in a foot, then both legs and so on, one person might casually nudge the other person or blatantly shove them in the back so they go for a plunge. Instead of joining them in that murky, scary ass water, they’ll try to gauge how it feels in there for the other person, while safely swirling their little piggies around the surface. TLDR/TDDU*; sometimes people hold back their own feelings while encouraging you to go all in.
*TDDU = That’s dumb, didn’t understand. Perhaps the acronym TDDU created a TDDU situation in itself though.
9. I Can Fix It You.
Trying to heal a person who’s damaged or in your eyes needs mending and refurbishing is bad news. Don’t. If you want a fun DIY project, buy an old car and spruce it up or make a lamp shade out of plastic spoons and water bottles, don’t try to “fix” a human, whatever that even means to you.
10. Don’t Look In The Mirror.
This is the game where you never look at yourself or even consider the possibility that you’ve handled some things poorly. Let’s be honest for a second, we hate when people play these games but perhaps at some points, even if only in brief, momentary flashes, we might accidentally do some extracurricular nonsense ourselves. If you’ve never contemplated taking longer to respond to a text to create the illusion of being busy, you are in the minority.
Obviously nobody wants to knowingly initiate or participate in the playing of those games listed above, but some people do it unknowingly. None of us are perfect but most of us have incredibly high expectations for others. That’s life. Even when driving – you swerve into my lane, you don’t deserve a license or arms & hands to operate a vehicle. I swerve into yours — my bad, I was dancing a little too hard, no reason to flip me off. It’s just worth considering that everyone’s a little scared and concerned with their own well-being, which might result in some crappy actions. That being said, some people are just cruel and enjoy mind games, and those people can actually go ahead and stick a cookie up their yeah.
image – pixeldreams, ayelet-keshet, Dmitrii