1. Skipping ahead on a TV show that you began watching together*.
BETRAYAL. I’ve been open in the past about my disdain for this type of treacherous behavior, but I’d like to reiterate that doing this to your significant other could, in fact, be just as hurtful as cheating. Walking in on your boyfriend or girlfriend in the middle of making whoopee with your worst enemy is only slightly more traumatizing than entering the living room and being greeted by them five episodes deep into season two of House Of Cards.
*The same conditions apply to watching a movie in theaters without your significant other after they distinctly gave the we-have-to-go-see-that nod of approval after seeing trailer together.
Not only are you going to watch crucial episodes of TV shows without your lover, but you’re going to flaunt it afterwards with an unwanted synopsis?! How incredibly rude of you. Here’s a little spoiler alert, you hypothetical television-ruining monster – you die alone in the series finale because you never met anyone willing to date a scumbag long-term. Also your funeral receives record low ratings (attendees), deservedly so.
3. Posting a picture that they look phenomenal in, regardless of your dissatisfaction with your own appearance in said photo.
No matter how flawless your hair is, if your companion has their eyes closed and is captured in an unflattering moment, you’ve got to refrain from sharing that photo. Crop it all you want, but don’t leave the unedited, original image to fend for itself.
4. Finishing your edible & drinkable belongings without your express written consent.
Was it your idea to order crab ragoon? No? Then why are you shoving the last delicious, deep-fried dumpling down your non-permission-asking-throat? The last serving of something that tastes good belongs to the original buyer unless they say otherwise, lovers or not.
5. Getting mad at you for taking too long to text back when it hasn’t even been 15 since your last response.
Sometimes rapid-fire text conversations are a challenge to maintain and people prefer to live a few moments of their life between messages not staring at a bright screen. Shocking, I know, but maybe don’t scold the person you’re dating for their inability to keep up with your text stamina unless you’re willing to have that irritation come back tenfold.
6. Going on social media to start their day before saying anything to you**.
Oh, so you have time to ‘like’ pictures on Instagram & Tweet about the weather but you can’t send a quick “good morning” text? That’s cool, enjoy me being really short and cheeky for the next three hours while you wonder what you did wrong.
**This doesn’t contradict point #5 about your partner obnoxiously criticizing your response time and if you don’t understand why, I’ll get back to you after I tweet the temperature & double tap a bunch of sunrise photos.
7. Customizing a pizza without considering your taste buds.
As a cheese pizza lover I can tell you from past experience how often people add meats and veggies and fruits and sauces without giving other folks’ personal preferences a second thought. This shouldn’t happen in a relationship. Your lover should be someone you can count on to provide pizza that isn’t decorated with disenchantment. It’s 2014, the technology to customize portions of each pizza exists! There’s room for you to add banana peppers and me to have strictly cheese, the only thing there isn’t room for is excuses. Don’t make it worse by suggesting that your partner “just pick off” what they don’t like because BREAKING NEWS: green pepper residue is detectable. Sausage residue is detectable. Pepperoni residue is detectable. Olive residue is detestable. Do you get it, wildly irresponsible topping choosers currently involved in relationships? With every inconsiderate pizza, you are tearing your love apart.
8. Writing a status on social media that’s indirectly, but obviously referring to your relationship in a negative tone.
Like “OMG is it normal for a grown man to throw a tantrum & literally cry on the floor in the fetal position because there are unwanted pepperonis on his pizza… Seriously?” That’s so wrong of her to write about him, I’m sure he just really had his heart set on no pepperonis. Don’t tell the world, keep in-house stuff in-house.
9. Constantly bringing up past mistakes.
Like “You want to watch Cougar Town? Well we had a TV five minutes ago until you threw it off the balcony because you were mad about the pepperoni pizza!” Give it a rest, people have imperfect moments and do things that they regret. Don’t frequently remind them of their blunders.
10. Trying to solve problems by purchasing the solution.
Like “Fine, I just ordered a cheese-only pizza, it’ll be here in 10 minutes you big baby.” Oh, we’re going to wave the white flag and drop all of the battles because you think you can buy my love? Just sweep everything under the r—wait, say what? It’s got four different cheeses? K, I forgive you, boo. (If the make-up gift doesn’t have four cheeses, don’t accept it)