1. Jess: You always see the worst in people.
Nick: Yeah, because people are the worst.
Just look at a YouTube comment section or walk past an aggressive kiosk employee in the mall or go shop at a crowded store during the holidays or wear headphones in public and see how many people still talk to you, forcing you to remove them and you’ll see that this holds true. People kind of are the worst, with the decent ones only popping up on rare occasions to let you make a turn in traffic or cut in front of them in line because you have fewer groceries or not talk to you when you’re clearly wearing headphones.
2. “I like getting older, I feel like I’m aging into my personality.”
You used to be wild, crazy, and perhaps immature, so grownups would tell you to “Act your age, not your shoe size.” Somewhere along the way you started saying “no” to shenanigans, walking away from loud noises instead of towards ’em, and drinking wine on your couch instead of doing shots at the bar. Now you’re like an old person so it’s still not your age, but you are acting your shoe size if you wear a 45 in exhausted adult.
3. “Nick doesn’t have a life plan. He doesn’t have a day plan. I once found a note that he wrote to himself that said, put on pants.”
The fact that society generally expects you to know what you want to do with life and where you see yourself in five years is difficult for anyone who isn’t self-assured/psychic. Folks, you can still be ambitious without knowing particulars about what all you want to accomplish. Look, every time I go to Applebee’s I know that I want to get shamefully full but that doesn’t mean I know what food I’m ordering. Yes, this totally makes sense so don’t question my logic. Plans aren’t for everyone. Even year, month or day plans. Some of us just react to the impromptu and live spontaneously — it’s okay if Tuesday You has to leave Wednesday You a sticky note reminder to perform a mundane task.
4. “You know what sucks about getting older? Your friends have known you for way too long. They’ve got too much on you. I want friends who still lie to me because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. I sadly kind of mean that.”
The I’m-comfortable-saying-anything-to-your-face, end of the honeymoon phase in friendships is rough. Typically there’s knowledge of each others insecurities, tendencies, flaws and deep, dark (often incriminating/humiliating) secrets, which results in the genesis of the less flattering, keeping-it-real stage that get’s increasingly brutally honest as we age. Elementary school through college friendships are basically glorified circle jerks that come to a screeching halt and are replaced by straight-shooting connections, where everyone involved has hecka ammo and stellar sniping skills.
Yes, it’s nice to know that friends will tell us if our idea for a Podcast sounds terrible or our tweet isn’t funny or our outfit makes us resemble a “homeless pencil,” but it was cool having people tell us how awesome we were whether they were saying it to make us feel good or simply because they didn’t know enough details to see how not awesome we actually are.
5. Nick: I’m sorry we’re not going this weekend.
Jess: But It’s free.
Nick: Did you say free?
Nick: We’re 100% in. I’ll go pack now.
The word “free” is always a game changer and we’ll eat/drink/wear/attend just about anything under this one condition.
6. “I’m going to end up alone. I’m going to be a single old lady flashing people on the subway.”
Isn’t this a fear all of us share sometimes? I know I worry about it coming to fruition and I’m currently a young guy, so the twists life would require for me to end up an old lady are pretty dark.
7. “I know this isn’t gonna end well, but the whole middle part is going to be awesome.”
Often (perhaps too often) we’re willing to accept the inevitably unpleasant conclusion that’ll come of the decision we’re presently making. Sometimes it’s worth it though. Like, if a season of your life is 22 episodes, wouldn’t you take 21 awesome ones in exchange for a brutal finale? As long as the season finale* doesn’t turn into a series finale, it’s typically worth considering.
8. “Why can’t I have the things that I want?!”
But seriously though, universe, why can’t we? Give us the things we want, and don’t make us have to like, do stuff to get them.
9. “I feel like I want to murder someone, and also I want soft pretzels.”
Cravings for particular foods mixed with a fluctuating range of emotions isn’t abnormal. Just the other day I wanted to physically fight my noisy neighbor who thinks he’s a gangster (Youths!) but I also had a taste for like a handful of croutons.
10. “I’ve got two perfectly good forks on the end of my arms.”
When are we going to acknowledge the fact that finger foods aren’t limited to chicken nuggets and French fries? We have these flesh and bone forks attached to us, yet people get all judgmental when you use them. Eating utensils are the most overused object at the dinner table (napkins when there’s sliced bread available come in close second).
11. I’m the guy who just can’t jump into something if I don’t know what’s gonna happen. I’ve just never been that guy. I’m the guy that if I don’t know what’s gonna happen, I don’t do something. Ever. I don’t care how badly I want to do it. Like, if everyone went down to the beach and jumped into the water, I’m the guy guarding the wallets.
This really hits home for the wallet guarders of the world.
12. “Can we just take a moment to celebrate me?”
The good old days of your work being heavily praised and displayed on refrigerators are over, my friends. You shouldn’t even have to ask this of people but since everyone is like, busy being wrapped up in their own lives and whatnot, sometimes you’ve got to wave your hands and say, “Look at me and this thing that I did! All hail and revel in my glory!”
13. “If we needed to talk about feelings they would be called talkings.”
I mean, this is actually a super valid point and if you’re not comfortable divulging the thoughts and emotions you’ve got inside, this has the potential to be your life slogan.
14. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was my fault that your life sucks and you’re so miserable.”
Yeah, guy/gal in everyone’s group of friends who holds others accountable for the suckiness of their life/attitude. It’s okay for your current situation to be crappy and to be down in the dumps, just don’t start pointing your crap covered fingers at innocent bystanders.
15. “When you question my pajamas, you make me question our entire friendship!”
The only difference between my childhood pajama game and my current one are their size. The designs need not change. Superheroes are still cool as heck so if you judge a brother for wearing Batman footie pajamas, expect the necessity of that friendship to be reconsidered in return.
16. “I’ve got something bad inside of me. I ruin things.”
This is a thought many of us have, but let’s at least take comfort in our self-awareness. To recognize, acknowledge and be able to say, “Hey, I’ve got some not-so-good stuff going on up in me and I am a master of destruction and mayhem” is better than wreaking havoc and being oblivious to it.
17. “Am I self-sabotaging?”
It’s crazy to think that your subconscious or whoever taps the buttons on the control panel inside of you might be hindering your plans, but if you have to ask you probably** are.
18. “It’s a weird life, but it’s where I’m at right now.”
This is an appropriate response to any questions about your peculiar actions during any given stretch of life. Been spending an unusual amount of time reading about illuminati conspiracy theories lately? Begin an extensive stamp collection that’s taking up most of your time? Started a blog documenting your unemployment? Those on the outside looking in may not understand, but y’know what, that’s the current place you’re at so own it!
19. “Okay now Saturday is a day for sleeping. And damn it, you will not take that away from me!”
This pretty much explains itself, but I like to take the word ‘Saturday’ and replace it with whatever particular time it is in that moment if someone is doing something that’s taking away my precious rest.
20. “Okay, look, it is perfectly fine to watch TV all day.”
I sure hope so because that’s exactly what I did to compile these quotes.